Married to a Monster

Eight

   

You couldn't look at Kai the rest of the trip. Even if it was a nearly twenty-hour trip and there was a stop in the middle. He knew better than to talk to you to as it was evident that you had been upset from your puffy eyes. While you didn't want Kai to see you weak, it was impossible not to cry at the happy memories you once had with the man. He used to be the light of your life. Many mornings you woke up just with the hope of seeing Kai.

Oh, how things had changed. Now you woke up with the hope that you wouldn't see him. Okay, well actually you woke up hoping things were back to normal. Hani was around and Kai was Jongin. Although, you learned it was hopeless to wish for that. Things would never be the same and Hani couldn't come back.

The moment you landed, you got one glance at Kai and somehow it managed to make your heart drop into your stomach. Kai's face was completely puffy and red which matched your own. You sighed and shook the feeling away. You weren't going to feel bad for him. Not now, not ever.

Kai grabbed both of your luggage without saying a word to you. You wanted to protest and to tell him you didn't need him, but you didn't have the energy to do so.

For the first time, you had noticed how broken Kai seemed. Of course, you told yourself you didn't care. The way he walked in front of you with his head dipped low and his body stiff. The way the whites of his knuckles showed from where he roughly gripped your luggage. His whole demeanor wasn't the Kai from high school nor was it the Jongin from before. Was it possible he was an entirely different person now? What would he be called?

How could Kai swap his personality so many times?

You sighed as you trailed behind Kai, trying to ignore the overwhelming emotions that you were starting to get. You didn't understand why you were starting to even remotely feel anything other than hate towards Kai, but all you knew was that you were crazy for it. Maybe you had been around him too much in the past week or maybe your flashback in the plane was starting to touch your heart.

You had to remind yourself that he wasn't the person you once loved and that he was the person who had made you try to kill yourself. Kai pushed you to brinks you had never wanted to hit. Just like the first time you had cut yourself after your failed attempt at suicide.

You had been feeling down lately. It was nice to have Minseok and Jongdae around as much as they were since they had stopped you two weeks ago on the bridge, but you weren't sure of their true intentions.

It was another crappy day of school and you were miserable. Some people used to tell you that high school would be the time of your life and here is where you would make the pathway to your future, but you couldn't disagree more. You hadn't been in high school more than two months and you already wanted to drop out, leave the country, and change your name.

All because of Jongin.

How could one person affect someone so much?

Maybe because you were still in love with him.

You had almost killed yourself because of him but it was hard not to look at him without your heart thumping hard against your chest. It was hard not to look at him without imaging how he smiled at you just less than two months ago. It was hard not to look at him without replaying his face expression when he found out that Hani had passed away and you had known it was going to happen for so long.

He was so sad and you couldn't feel anything but responsible for it.

Of course, he stopped looking sad recently and instead of sadness, anger was thick in his expression which made you afraid.