Married to a Monster

Nineteen

You were shocked how long you could go without seeing your best friend, Minseok. Since your night three weeks ago with Jongin, you had somehow not even seen a glimpse of your dark-haired friend. To say you ached for Minseok would be an understatement.

But, yet you felt content. Having survived two years without him once before was hard but for some reason, every bit of distance was harder now that you had admitted to loving him – but now, you had Jongin too.

Speaking of Jongin and you and he had gotten closer in those three weeks and the memories of Kai were almost dissolved from your head. Since he had asked you to call him Jongin again, it was almost as if Kai never existed and that the two of you had never been at odds.

While you didn't want to admit it, the two of you had become more of a married couple – sharing hugs, gentle kisses and cuddling in bed was now a regular thing for you guys. Not only that but you had begun to share an office with him so that the two of you could work closely together at work and it often resulted in lots of laughter between the two of you and playful gestures.

Apart from Jongin, you had started to see Jongdae and Baekhyun even more.

Baekhyun and you had even started to grow closer and when you had free time, you would meet up with him and play video games in the living room as Jongin watched the two of you.

With Jongdae you would spend at least twice a week at the library with him and it made you wonder if he and Baekhyun had tried to distract you from Minseok and more concerning, from going to their house.

"You haven't worked on your art in a while," Jongin noted with a hesitant voice as the two of you sat at the dinner table.

He was beside you and you looked over to him slowly, "I know," you replied as you pressed your fork into some broccoli. "I just feel so uneasy lately and scared to touch my art supplies."

Jongin let out a breath and squeezed your hand that he had been holding. Tingles erupted on your skin and made you feel light headed. "Wouldn't that be more of a reason to paint or draw?"

You shrugged with one shoulder, "Everything is changing and it's so hard to wrap my mind around it. I don't even know how that would translate into my art."

"I think it would help clear your head. When we were younger and you were upset, you'd lock yourself in your room and refuse to let me or Hani in as you went at it. That's when you created the most beautiful pieces."

The last time you had remembered really getting into your art was on your honeymoon with Kai and that had been months ago. Jongin was probably right. Your hands ached to be wrapped around an oil pastel or a paintbrush. Everything was so blurry between Jongin and Minseok lately that you needed something to put your mind at ease. Art was the calm to your storm but yet, your relationship with it for several years was rocky.

For a while after Hani's death, you refused to even go near the supplies because, in a way, the felt like they were judging you.

And the last thing you had painted with them was Hani's portrait.

But, those art supplies were packed away with her painting and the ones you had in your room were a fresh gift from your parents for marrying Jongin so surely it wouldn't hurt to use them.

So, after dinner, you kissed Jongin gently on his cheek and locked yourself in your room and faced your easel and the silence.

It didn't take long for you to find yourself sitting in front the empty canvas crying. You wrapped your hands around your legs and tried to keep the sobs quiet so Jongin wouldn't worry. You missed Minseok, you missed Jongin, and hell you missed Hani. And then you missed yourself. Who were you anymore? You felt like you had no grasp on yourself anymore and as if you never had time to truly discover who you were.