Married to a Monster

Twelve

 

"Y/N," Minseok said gently.

You had removed yourself from his arms and you were staring at a painting of a red tulip that adorned the gray walls in your bedroom – well, the bedroom that was supposed to be your and Kai's room.

Minseok just confessed to loving you and to say you were shocked was an understatement. People on the outside who have said there were so many signs but when you're on the inside of a relationship it's different. You don't see the signs that are obvious to everyone else because they are things you are used to.

You liked Minseok, a lot. You had a crush on him for years and you couldn't recall a time when you didn't feel differently about him than you felt about Jongdae. Was it because he pulled you off the ledge that day so many years ago? You weren't entirely sure why your feelings for him grew differently but you just know that they did. Now, you knew you didn't like him because he had saved your life, but for the person he was.

There was never a reason for him to do the things he did with you. He didn't have to go out of his way to take you to the movies every Friday night your senior year of high school while he was busy with college, he didn't have to sit in silence with you in the library for hours on end while you sighed and studied the same thing over and over, and he most definitely didn't have to avoid dating so he could spend all of his time with you. He made sacrifices for you which now thinking of it, just made you feel worse.

Here Minseok was, still by your side after all the bullshit you had put him through and he even loved you somehow but what had you done for him? What warranted his love for you?

"Please say something," he whispered. He was no longer in bed with you and he was pacing the floor nearby the door, seemingly ready to bolt.

Your words were lost in your throat. How did you feel? You weren't sure but you were overwhelmed and confused. How could you love someone when you still hadn't begun to love yourself?

And then there was one question gnawing at the back of your head.

Can you be with someone else if you're still in love with someone who doesn't exist?

You stood up from the bed and your legs shook. Minseok stopped pacing and stared at you. "Minseok," you whispered.

He closed his eyes, "I know. I'm an idiot," he groaned and pressed his face into his hands. "This is all such a mess."

If only things had been different, if only you weren't forced into a marriage with Kai and Hani had never died. Everything would have been different. But, everything happened the way it did for a reason – some unknown plan by the gods or whatever was watching out for you. Things were the way they were and you just had to start putting it together.

At the beginning of your marriage, you felt no need to be faithful or caring of the marriage you had with Kai but somehow things had changed. Now thinking about being with someone else while being married to Kai felt wrong. You were legally married to him and it wasn't a marriage you would be getting out of anytime soon. There was no way to have a healthy relationship when you were living with a man you had once known as Jongin and you still loved that person. Minseok could love you as much as he wanted and you could love him – but you couldn't be caught together, get married or have children if the relationship escalated.

More than anything, you wished things were different and that you would get your chance with Minseok but you didn't think it could happen in this lifetime. You were drawn to Minseok and he was special to you but he deserved better than what you had to offer. This messy and sticky situation you were all tied up in wasn't the place for a relationship to strive.