Married to a Monster

Eleven

Kai had asked you several times over if you were okay which you tried to assure him that you were. You were emotional after hearing Minseok's drunken thoughts so you didn't even bother fighting Kai bringing you inside or even his kindness.

You locked yourself in your room, sprawling out on your unmade bed as tears fell from your eyes. How could you be so selfishly caught up in your own agony all of these years that you never saw his? It made you angry at yourself and you couldn't help but feel self-hatred.

Everything he said you had deserved – no needed to hear. It was a wake-up call and it had opened your eyes. More than just towards Minseok and Jongdae, but also towards Kai. When you looked at him when he walked with you inside the house, you could see even more so how everything was wearing down on him. You were still hurt from what he had put you through but you found that your eyes were softening when looking at him now. He wasn't the cruel man from high school anymore, he just wanted to repent.

Would you give him the chance now that you realized you needed to repent too? Could you repent the way Kai could? Sure, Kai had messed you up but the thing is...you recovered – no matter how fucked up you were today you were recovering. Now you were on medication and white scars covered your skin but you were fine. Minseok and Jongdae couldn't get better from this. No matter how many times you promised you were fine or you were mentally well, they would still wouldn't fully believe you. In the past, you had lied too much and hurt yourself when they weren't there. There was no fixing it.

It was possible to fix things with Kai, you thought. Did you want to? You weren't sure yet, but you knew that it would be possible in the new light you saw him in. The time it would take was something you weren't sure of either, but being married to Kai had given you all the time in the world.

Empathy for Kai was a new emotion coursing through your veins. In an instant when Minseok's words tumbled from his mouth you understand everything that this Kai must have been feeling. He wasn't the same Kai that hurt you and you could tell. Instead, he was a hurt and less than version of his old self. Trust wouldn't come easy but if Minseok and Jongdae had offered the chance for you to regain their trust, you would do anything for it – and you were sure Kai may have felt the same way.

While you went to bed crying and overwhelmed with anxiety, one weight felt lifted off your shoulders. You weren't sure you had hated Kai anymore. You hated what he did, but you weren't sure you could hate him anymore and that made everything feel lighter – easier. Why were you treating him so bad all this time? Why couldn't you see your flaws were similar to his own? An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. You shouldn't have allowed yourself to go after Kai the way you had. Yes, it had only been two weeks with Kai but you had done enough damage to Kai as it was. Maybe now you wouldn't be completely friendly and kind towards Kai, but the important thing was that you were making steps in the right direction.

What about Minseok and Jongdae? Could you make steps in that direction or would they have to come to you the way you were going to Kai?

Your thoughts and tears had led you straight into a cold-sweat sleep, as your mind replayed memories of the times you had deceived Minseok and Jongdae.

The first time you had started cutting in discrete places that they couldn't see.

The way your jeans rubbed against your thighs was uncomfortable and a constant reminder of the cuts you had inflicted upon yourself a couple nights before. Cutting on your arms was more of a risk when it came to visibility as you knew it would be hard to hide from those around you but cutting on your thighs turned out to be a more drawn out self-harm. Wearing clothes was painful but you didn't have a choice. Minseok and Jongdae couldn't find out this time.