Married to a Monster

Ten

   

You stared down at the spaghetti in front of you, wondering what could be the meaning behind it. Maybe you were overthinking it, but it felt like Kai was trying to make a peace offering or a connection to the past. Why?

There were times that you wanted to forget it all and try to move forward but the memories held you back and the nightmares were unrelenting. Kai didn't care about you and he had shown that to you. Why would things have changed?

You couldn't help but be confused. Ever since moving in with him, things in your head seemed to simmer down. Your Kai-hatred related thoughts were becoming less and you weren't cringing upon seeing him or even him making you dinner. It was disappointing to you because your heart wanted so badly to punish him for the pain he put you through but at the same time, it felt like you were running out of the breath to do so.

If he was trying to strike a memory in you, he hit the spot. How could you forget the night you almost confessed to Jongin? The night that you had stayed up late smiling about while Kai was fast asleep next to you. The night you should have been worrying about your sister when she was out at a check-up.

You never got the chance to tell Hani about it because you guys had found out the next morning that she only had four weeks left. You were devastated and hell bent on spending every minute talking about her and her life.

The night with Jongin was swept under the rug and your hopes of him confessing to you drifted away. You still were in love with him, but there wasn't time for that – especially when you had to hide from him that Hani was going to die.

How would you explain to the person you loved that you hid the oncoming death of his best friend?

Guilt had begun to resurface lately. You felt guilt for not telling Kai about Hani. You felt guilt for being harsh to him when it seemed he was trying to repent. You felt guilt for every scar on your body.

You thought you had forgotten the guilt – but clearly, there was something in the water in the house that was making you question everything once again.

Did you still love Jongin? Could you still love him now that he seemed to be someone else? Or was he becoming Jongin again?

How could a fucking plate of spaghetti make your mind whirl?

You ate slowly in silence, relishing the flavor of Kai's spaghetti and your mind drifting.

"Are you okay?" Kai asked.

You looked up at him and sighed. Somehow, he managed to look breathtaking to you. How could someone who had tortured you so much look so devastatingly beautiful? Even looking broken with bags under his eyes and frown lines - he still managed to be handsome. What did you say? How could you and Kai speak to each other? You shouldn't... you couldn't.

Don't forget everything he's done to you.

You felt your eyes scrunching in anger as you looked away from Kai.

But what about everything he's done for you?

It was true. He was with you through thick and thin for fourteen years of your life. You had been friends since infancy, it seemed. Even when you guys were the age where guys and girls thought one another had cooties, he never picked on you or stayed away from you. He was always there holding your hand – and Hani's. There were more years of happy times with Kai then there was bad... but could years of happiness extinguish the years of agony? Were the years of love enough to outweigh the bad?

You groaned. You were sick of thinking and you were damn sick of feeling.

"Thank you for dinner," was all you said to Kai as you quickly finished your food.