Married to a Monster

Seventeen

The tears poured down your face more fiercely than they had in a long time as you clutched the paper between your shaking hands. You looked at Kai with clouded eyes and you were unsure of what to say.

While there had been so many times in your life where you noticed how much differently Kai looked at Hani, you hadn't known that he had been in love with her. Not only her but you at the same time.

Your lips quivered as you tried to take everything in. Kai loved Hani. Hani loved Kai but not as much as she loved Kyungsoo. You loved Kai. Kai loved you.

And now you were in the same predicament that Kai and Hani were both once in. Loving two people at once.

Hani had pushed Kai to you, regardless of her feelings because she knew how much you loved Jongin and now even after her death Hani was still bringing you guys together. You couldn't help but cry at the love that Hani had for you and it made your body tighten up.

Every day of your life, you thought of your sister but as the years passed, it got easier to process life without her. Reading her letter had ripped open the wound and it felt fresh. You clenched at your chest as you sobbed and you weren't sure what you were crying more for – the mess with Kai or your sister but you just knew that it hurt.

With everything in you, you tried to remember your sister's smile and the sound of her voice when she encouraged you but no matter how hard you tried, you could barely remember those two things anymore. What did her voice sound like?

It made you cry even harder because as you read her letter to Kai, you couldn't even imagine her voice anymore.

Why hadn't she said those things to the two if you in person? Why couldn't she have told Kai everything in her letter before she died?

Kai wrapped his arm around your shoulder and pulled you into him. You willingly let him since the letter had opened your eyes to so much more. While Kai still wasn't justified in his actions towards you in the past, things being revealed made things make that much more sense.

Kai shushed you as he pulled you onto his lap.

Time seemed to stop for you as you sobbed in his arms, unsure of what to say and feel other than complete heartbreak.

The hurt Kai felt for years washed over you so violently that you could feel your body shaking.

After a long pause of silence, Kai's hands gripped your cheeks gently and he tilted your head towards him. "Are you okay?"

You nodded but you were still crying. "I... I never realized."

"Listen, Y/N. I showed you this for a reason. I wanted you to understand me more and also, I wanted to help you with your situation," he wiped your tears from your face as they continued to fall. "I made a huge mistake in doing what I did to you. I even think I made a mistake in being conflicted between you and Hani for all of those years. You were the one for me and it took me too long to realize that. No matter what, that was something I have to live with forever, Don't make that mistake. God - don't make that mistake."

You looked at him through your sore eyes as your tears somehow slowed while he rubbed circles into your cheeks. His face was sad but he looked at you as if you were the most important thing in the world to him and in the moment, you believed it. "But how do I know? You didn't know if you loved me or Hani more."

Kai sighed. "I did, I just fought it. I wanted to love Hani like I loved you because she was my age and whereas you were innocent, she wasn't. She was easier to love because I didn't have to worry about her innocence or age. Two years apart isn't much to us now, but then, when I was sixteen and you were fourteen it just seemed like such a big difference. At the end of the day, it didn't matter how much I tried to force my love for Hani. You were the one I wanted."