Married to a Monster

Sixteen - Hani's Letter

Dear Jongin,

I know on first instinct that you will be angry at this letter, but please don't be. By this point, I'm gone. Just dust in the wind. You are probably grieving and for that I'm sorry. If you're confused why I passed so quickly, I had stage four cancer. I knew for a while and urged my family not to tell anyone. Don't hate Y/N for not telling you because she begged me to let you know. I did it for not just you and those around me, but for myself. I wanted to live out my final days as normal as possible – without being reminded of my death that was to come. If I would have told those around me, you all would have treated me differently and I didn't want to die like that.

I'm not sure how you and I ended off, but I'm sure you made me happy in my final moments. I know you're hurting but I can't help but see my death as what was meant to be. Of course, I would have loved to live long enough to grow old with you and Y/N but that just wasn't what fate had in store. I'd like to think that this was God's way of finally deciding for you. The choice you could never fully make - me or Y/N. I know how much you loved me and I'm sorry I could never love you just as much back, but my sister has always loved you just as much as you loved me. It was hard for you and you confiding in me of your love for the two of us, but just as I always have, I'm urging you to confess to my sister. My death is proving that the two of you - just as I have always said, belong together.

Don't push her away. You need her and she is going to need you. Let this make you two grow together and grow stronger because this is what I believe my fate to have been. I died so you could be with the person you were meant to be with and I couldn't be happier dying this way as I know you make my sister happier than any man ever could have.

I'll be watching from above, so don't disappoint me. I know how you are and that you like to push everyone away when it gets tough, but don't do this to Y/N. She's special not just to me, but to you. I know you think you loved me more than you loved her, but I know this wasn't the case deep down. You were conflicted and now you no longer have to be, Jongin.

Time heals all wounds and I know you both will grow from this. Tomorrow, the sun will shine and the birds will sing happily. The wind will still blow and life will continue on. Accept life as the beauty it is and don't be spiteful because I am gone. I will be with you both every time the sun shines, the birds sing, and the wind blows.

We will meet again although I hope no time soon. Y/N deserves a long life with you and you deserve that with her.

I hope that you can open your heart to my sister and when you do, show her this letter. To my Y/N, don't be mad at me for not telling you about Jongin's love because I wanted him to figure it out first. I don't know how long it took him to come to you, but I know he has because he loves you so much. I told you that he would be your knight in shining armor and I meant it. Jongin is the perfect man for you and I want nothing more for you to be with him. Don't be discouraged by the fact that he loved me because it is too easy to think you love two people when in reality you don't. I thought I loved Jongin for a while but his love for me was greater than I loved him and that's when I knew he wasn't the one for me. I too was stuck between Jongin and a friend of his named Kyungsoo. I only got a short time with Kyungsoo so please don't make the same mistake with Jongin. Spend your lives loving each other the way you have since we were children.

I love you both with all of my heart, so please don't hurt too long. I will never leave either of your sides. I know that as long as you have each other, the loss of me won't be too great to bear.

Love always,
Hani

---

6 years ago

Jongin's hands grasped the thin paper between his hands roughly as tears spilled from his eyes.

You had known Hani was dying and you never told him - and he couldn't help but hate you for it.

The love he had for you tried to overpower, but he wouldn't let it. You had deceived him in the worst ways possible and it made him sick. It made him sick that Hani thought her death was a way to make Jongin grow closer to you.

Hani had always known that Jongin loved the both of you, but she never encouraged for Jongin to love her. In fact, she never even gave him half of the love that you had given him and maybe he didn't even give her half the love he gave you, but still. Hani was his age and Hani was the smart one to be with. Hani was the easy choice - even if you were the one that made his heart hammer in his chest.

In the moments before her death, Jongin was actually going to confess to you because lately, his affection for Hani died as she immersed herself in Kyungsoo. Jongin had realized that he would never care for Hani the way that he cared for you - but her death changed everything.

Jongin felt like he was dangling off the edge of the world and he was just one step from falling off.

He lost one of the loves of his life in a blink of an eye and he didn't know how to live.

Inside his head, there was a screaming voice telling him to go to you, that the two of you could brave this storm together, but he shut it up by downing some alcohol he had stashed in his room. Your tear streaked face kept coming into his sight and it made him smash his fist into the floor repeatedly.

He loved you more than he had ever loved anyone before but part of his body told him you were the reason Hani was dead and while he may have loved you more, he still loved Hani.

He still loved Hani and he felt like you had taken her away even if his heart was trying to tell him otherwise.

In that moment while his hands gripped onto the piece of paper as if it was his lifeline, he felt something switch over in his head. He was sure that if someone was with him now, they could see the light in his eyes defuse as his heart fell deep into the depths of his body.

Who was Jongin?

The man that loved you?

The man that loved Hani?

It was like he lost himself the second he unfolded the letter and he wasn't sure who he was anymore. All he knew was that the sweet Jongin that he once was, was gone and all he wanted to taste anymore was the pain and destruction of others - he had tasted enough of his own pain.

Jongin wanted to hurt you just because he had hurt so much himself and even if he ruined you, Jongin couldn't find it in him to stop the scars he was going to create.

He was going to destroy the one thing he had left that he loved and he didn't know exactly why he was letting himself do it.

His heart was clenching as if it was screaming for him to stop but Jongin's sight had changed and he wasn't sure if he could ever give you the love he had once given you - ever again.

And that might have hurt even more than losing Hani even if he didn't see it then.