She's Kind of a Disaster

3- Don't Say Anything

Jesse and I only have one car. Our parents didn't want to spoil us with having our own cars and I never thought it was important enough to save money towards. We're almost always going places together anyway, so sharing a car has never been an issue. Until now that I have to ride back to school with him, enduring the entire two hour drive while completely ignoring him like I have been for the last couple of days.

"Text us when you get to campus," My mother instructs us as everything is all loaded in the car and it's time to leave. Since we took everything to campus last week, the packing is light and quick.

"We will," Jesse assures her and then we hug both of our parents goodbye and then we're off. These drives between campus and home are usually pretty fun for us—we'll blast the radio, play cheesy license plate games, catch up on town gossip, complain about our parents.

This time, it's dead silence. Before we get on the highway, I crawl into the backseat and lay down. I want to be as far away from Jesse as possible and if I spontaneously combust into tears, which has been happening a lot these last couple of days, I don't want him to see it.

I tried to get a ride with Bella but her car is so stuffed with the things she's taking for her apartment that there's no room for me in her car. I also haven't told her what happened the night of the party yet and I'm not sure how to say it. I want everybody to know that Clayton cheated on me and that's why we broke up because I want people to know that that's the kind of guy he is.

But how can I explain all of that without saying the whole truth? Clayton never loved me and I was too stupid to see it. So pathetic that when he didn't show interest, I blamed myself instead of seeing what was right in front of me. That my own brother, who I've always seen as one of my closest friends, partner in crime since birth, was willing to stab me in the back. 

He's listened to me talk about Clay, talk about our dates and how much I love him, the whole time knowing that none of it was reciprocated.

I love Bella and I usually tell her everything, but I can't handle that humiliation on top of everything else.

Ever since the party, when I saw my boyfriend with his hand down Jesse's pants, I haven't said a word to my brother. He's been trying to apologize and I've been dodging them as fast as he can throw them. I don't want his apologies or explanations or whatever else he can give me. I can't even look at him without feeling like I want to fall off the face of the earth.

In the silence of the car ride, I start thinking back to all the signs I should have noticed. The way Clayton would get up in the middle of the night whenever we slept together, to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water I thought. Most of the time I'd be sleeping, I'd only wake up a little bit when I felt the bed moving and I'd immediately go back to sleep.

I've also been thinking about those rare times that we'd have sex. If he's not into girls, does that mean that he had to think of my brother to get it up? Was he thinking of Jesse when he was inside of me? We do look a lot alike. Maybe that's why he was ever dating me, because he knew it would be frowned upon for him to date the real thing.

I wish that Jesse hadn't come out to me like this. I want to be there for him, to support him through this because I know that coming out as gay in a town like ours must be terrifying. I want so badly to just be there for him and protect him and tell him that I don't care what gender he's attracted to. 

About halfway through the drive, Jesse clears his throat in the front seat. "I know you're not sleeping." Just hearing his voice pisses me off.

"Never said I was."

"We need to talk about this, Wren," He says to me, his voice hard but trembling. I open my eyes but still avoid looking at him by staring out the back window. "Please, I'm so sorry about this. About everything. I don't know how to make things right. Please just talk to me."