She's Kind of a Disaster

15- You Don't Care

On Wednesday, I come back to the apartment after a long day of philosophy and law classes with a long to-do list for the evening. I have to finish an essay, cook dinner, follow up on some apartment ads, start looking for a job because there's no way my parents will pay for two separate apartments. All of that while my head is still throbbing from the beating I took yesterday.

Every time my temple pangs with another ache, it's another reminder that Shaw was right. I have no business fighting anybody. I hate being wrong, which makes the entire thing that much more aggravating.

Before opening the apartment door, I mentally plead with the universe that Jesse isn't back from Brennan's yet. Having the place to myself last night felt like my first breath of fresh air in a while, knowing that I wouldn't have to worry about seeing him or Clay and hearing one of their many stupid apologies.

Even better than an empty living room, Bella is sitting on my couch when I get inside.

"What the hell happened to you?" She asks before I've even shut the door behind me. I've been getting some double takes today in class when people see the bruises and cuts on my face, so I know that's what she's talking about.

I haven't prepared an excuse for her, so I just tell the truth. "I got in a fight. It's fine, I'm fine. How'd you get into my house?"

"Jesse let me in before he left," She said. "You got in a fight? How? With who?"

I drop my book bag by the front door. "It was just this girl. I don't know what happened, I just kind of snapped. It was over really fast, it's not as bad as it looks. Are you staying for dinner?"

"No, I have a date actually."

"A date?" I repeat. "During dinner time? Like, a dinner date?"

"Yes, a dinner date. It's not unheard of," She says defensively. "Please stop trying to graze over the fact that you got in a fist fight. I wanted to come over to check on you because I've been worried and clearly, I'm right to be. What has been going on with you lately?"

"What do you mean?" I ask, playing dumb because I don't know exactly how to respond to her. 

"First, you break up with Clay and get back together and then you're cheating on him with some guy from a party. You're not talking to Jesse, you barely leave your bedroom anymore except for going on mystery dates every Tuesday. Now, you're fighting people?"

"Don't you think I was so boring before?" 

"What?" My question catches her completely off guard. 

"I never did anything, you know? So concerned about what everybody thought of me all of the time and pleasing everybody."

"So this is some sort of quarter life crisis?" She asks. "And no, for the record, you've never been boring. Being a nice person who doesn't get their face punched in doesn't make you boring. Seriously, Wren. I'm your best friend, I just want to know what's going on. I want to help you."

"I never cheated on Clay," I tell her. "We never got back together. He just said that because he doesn't want you to know what he did and I'm sorry I went along with it. I just... I liked you thinking we were still together so you wouldn't have to know what an idiot I've been."

"What do you mean?" He face softens and immediately, I'm crying. I'm so fucking tired of crying. I've never cried so much in my entire life than I have in the last couple of weeks. 

"Bell, it's been such a mess," I say in what I can only describe as a whimper. I want her to know the full truth but I still can't say it out loud. It's not to protect Jesse and Clay's privacy, or to protect them from the unbelievable wrath that will come down on them when she finds out what they've done. I just can't say the words out loud, that two of the most important people in my life turned on me like I was nothing. Like I'd never been anything.