She's Kind of a Disaster

32- I Don't Care

When I have to go to class the next day, Shaw is still asleep in my bed. I don't want to wake up him up, so I just take a shower and get dressed while staying as quiet as possible. It's getting chilly outside, so I put on a hoodie and some baggy jeans to go to my first class of the day, which is political science.

The lecture is just as boring as it always is, droning on and on about things that I don't care about. It forces me to think about other things, and the first thing that comes to mind is Shaw. I have to figure out how I feel about him before I get back to my apartment because we need to talk about what we are.

We've been so up and down during our entire relationship so I just have no idea where we should go now. At first, we were just hanging out and having fun, which mostly was just going to his fights and having great sex. When we were in that part of our relationship, we were so great. We got along great, he made me feel amazing both physically and emotionally. I remember that day in the shower, when I had pointed out all of my flaws and he shot them down. Just thinking about it now kind of makes me smile, despite the boring lecture happening in the background of my thoughts.

But when I left for the weekend for my parents' anniversary party, I feel like everything started going downhill. He slept with that other girl and I got jealous, even though I know that I had no right to because we weren't a couple. And we still aren't.

We got along for one night after I got back from my parents', the night that he hung out with me and Bella. We'd slept together that night after Bella left and that was great. But then right after that, we fought again about our different lives and futures.

After that, our next meeting wasn't very pleasant either, when I had to visit him to tell him that I was pregnant and ask him for some money for the abortion. After that though, he's been kind of pleasant. Like finding out that I was pregnant changed everything, but I don't see how.

I know that he felt guilty about impregnating me, which is ridiculous, but that makes me wonder if he's only being nice just because he feels guilty. Because if that's true, then the guilt will eventually fade and we'll just start fighting again about everything.

Not to mention the fact that I just got out of a really serious relationship, so it'd be a bad idea to even consider getting in a relationship with Shaw. The casual sex was nice for a while but I'm definitely over that now too. I think the past few weeks have turned me off to sex for a while.

That doesn't mean that I want to lose Shaw altogether though. I mean, I know that he's an asshole sometimes but before Bella knew about Jesse and Clay, he was the only person that would stand up for me. I wouldn't even stand up for myself, but he was there. He threatened Jesse, made sure that he stayed away from me when I needed space. He was like my emotional body guard.

I think that I'm done with my rebellious phase altogether, so I wouldn't want to go to the fights with him either and that's really all that we did together before the pregnancy. So, if I stopped going to the fights then what would we do together? I know that he said that he was going to get his life on track but I still don't believe it.

Tomorrow is Tuesday, fight night, so I guess that we'll see tomorrow if he was serious about that.

After an hour of boring political science, I go straight into my philosophy of law class. I didn't think that it was possible, but it's even more boring than my first class.

My relationship with Shaw has been so up and down since the night that we met, so the best decision right now is to just stay friends but be cautious. I think that we could be romantic in the future but I'm not ready for that right now. I don't even think that Shaw is ready for that. Our unstable relationship wouldn't last two weeks right now, if it was exclusive and we put labels on it like 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend'.