She's Kind of a Disaster

5- Are You Dying?

I'm officially wallowing. I have a lighter course load on Tuesday and spend most of the day laying in bed, staring at my ceiling, contemplating the betrayal of a lifetime and reliving my entire relationship with Clay for the thousandth time, trying to find the red flags that I missed.

Only when it's late enough that I should be asleep is when my body decides it needs to get moving. I need something to distract me from the whole brother/boyfriend thing because crying in bed for two men who don't give a shit about me is, quite frankly, ridiculous.

In high school, I hated running. Every time that I went to soccer practice, I was trying to make an excuse to the coach as to why I couldn't run. I didn't mind working out and I went to the gym regularly, but running is just the mistake of humankind. It is the shrimp of exercises.

However, I decide to go for a run. It could be dangerous to run at night and because of how chilly it gets, it'll probably hurt my lungs when I inhale. I've played things safe for so long and it's just bitten me in the ass so hard it's going to leave a permanent scar. I'm going to try something different.

I'm going to feel that pain in my lungs and hopefully it'll distract me from the pain everywhere else.

Leaving my room, I'm wearing a tank top and workout leggings with my hair in a ponytail and a headband to keep the little hairs near my face out of my eyes. I skip the jacket.

Jesse is in the living room watching TV when I emerge from my room. "Where are you going?" He wonders, noticing my workout clothes.

"For a run," I supply just so that if I do get murdered, Jesse will at least know where I went.

"What?" He wonders with a small laugh. "It's eleven o'clock. And you never run."

"I do now."1111111111111

"It's dark, that's when all of the creeps come out," He warns me. "You could get hurt."

I start putting my ear buds in my ears as I get to the door and as I step out into the hallway, I respond with, "One can only hope."

I don't have a plan on where I'm going to run, I just walk outside and start moving. Immediately, I remember why I hate running so much. This is terrible.

All of the anger I've been feeling for the past few days pushes me further and faster. Anger at myself for allowing Clay to walk all over me for so long. Anger at him and Jesse for taking advantage of my lack of backbone. Anger at my parents for scaring Jesse into this place where he's afraid to be who he is. 

The cold air starts stabbing my insides, like it's angry with me. I try to push all of my pain into my lungs and legs so that it'll leave my body, so that I can be okay again. I don't know how I'll ever be okay again.

After only a couple of songs, I need to stop to catch my breath. The sidewalk is dark, my arms are bare and so cold that I almost feel numb. I like it. I wish I could freeze my insides numb too, to ease the feeling of this gaping hole in my chest.

Once I've gotten my breath back, I continue running away from the apartment building. I can almost pretend like I can just run this way forever, away from the apartment and away from this university. Away from my pre-law classes and all of the responsibilities and expectations that are held for me here. I can just run away from it all until I hit Oregon and then I'll just keep going and I'll live in the mountains. No boyfriends or brothers or lying or cheating or classes that I hate.

That sounds so nice.

As I'm passing the practice field for our football team, I notice something in the grass. At first, I think that it's just a big piece of garbage but when I get closer, I realize that it's actually a person laying in the grass by the sidewalk. I prepare for the fact that I might have just come across a dead body—in the crime shows, it's always a runner that finds the dead bodies.