She's Kind of a Disaster

29- Should Have

"Are you going to Portland this weekend?" Jesse asks me randomly on Wednesday as I'm cooking dinner for myself.

"Yeah," I confirm without giving him any other explanation because it's really none of his business. Lately, I've been doing pretty well with ignoring my brother around the apartment. I don't know if that's because he's been spending most of his time with Clayton or if we've just found a groove where we don't have to see each other very often.

"Why?" He continues to ask me questions as he joins me in the kitchen. I'm making chicken with a pesto sauce and fried tomatoes. It's a new pesto recipe that I've been excited to try but I've been so bogged down with the pregnancy and my classes lately to make it happen. My classes have hit a lull now, and I can't do anything about the pregnancy until this weekend so it's a great time to try and cheer myself up with some fancy pesto.

"Why not?" I question him back. "I want to see Brianna's new dog, you know that they just adopted that boxerman from the pound and I've seen pictures. He's really cute."

He leans against the counter and gives me a curious look. "You're not a very good liar, you know."

"Makes one of us," I mumble while I flip over the chicken in the pan.

"Wren," He says my name, sounding very exasperated. Like me being angry at him is just so inconvenient to him that I'm still upset. "I'm really trying to make things better. I've stopped bringing Clay over, I've given you space, you can tell that I'm trying, right?"

"Too little too late, Jess."

"I know this isn't going to justify the way we've treated you, but we are terrified of getting outed," Jesse says to me, his voice wavering and I know he's going to start crying soon. "People are murdered for being gay. Matthew Shepard, Jason Gage, Paul Broussard, Charlie Howard-"

"I get it, Jesse," I interrupt him. 

"There are a million different ways that we should have handled the situation better, I know that," He tells me. "And you're right that we've been cowards. I'm trying my best and I know that it doesn't look like it to you, but I swear to god I am. I never wanted to hurt you."

I don't know how to respond to that, because I do know that there's a serious danger to Jesse and Clay if they get outed before they're ready. But that can't excuse how much they've disregarded my feelings. I can't imagine what it must feel like to be in their shoes, and maybe if they would have talked to me earlier, I could have been more understanding but now, I feel like so much damage has already been done.

"Can you please tell me what's going on?" Jesse sounds pleading now, his eyes large and watery. Like he's pleading for me to let him in, to be his sister again despite the fact that he hasn't acted like my brother in so long.

It's been killing me not to tell him about the baby because although it has been over a month now since I found out about him and Clay, I'm still so used to having him around. Before last month, we were so close that I'd tell him everything that was going on in my life. And this is a huge thing that is happening that I'm not telling him about.

Maybe if I wasn't terminating the pregnancy, I would tell him about it because he'd obviously find out eventually. The fact is that we aren't close anymore and I don't want to share this big thing that is happening to me. I'm not going to let him into my life on that level anymore. It's sort of a punishment for him, I guess, but I'm also realizing that it's punishing me too because it absolutely sucks not to be able to tell him things.

"Nothing's going on," I assure him again. I might not sound convincing but I don't care if he believes me or not. He'll eventually realize that I won't tell him no matter how much he tries to figure it out. "Just want to see the new dog."