The Summer To Never Forget

Loss of Love

I had kept my thoughts to myself. I told myself that everything will happen and it'll be fine. But I still had that aching feeling in my heart that she will leave. Jonnie will be able to have a better life. I don't think I would ever tell Jonnie how I had felt. Things were just very complicated to be able to say anything and add on to the confusing state of not knowing my feelings.

I love Jonnie, I really do. I could stare at her for hours just to see even more of the perfection I see by looking into her eyes and seeing her shining soul and personality. She is my number one dream for life and I could never want more or less. She is everything I need, she is my lifeline.

"Jonnie, what do you think we should do today?" I had asked drinking some coffee in the kitchen while she sat at the counter near where I was. I set my cup down on the counter and looked at her.

"Well, we could go see your mom. We could also just stay here." She replied stretching after the sentence. I walked over to a seat next to her and sat.

"We've seen her three times this week and it's Thursday. I think she'll be fine if we skip a day of seeing her just to stay here." I stated smiling at Jonnie as I wrapped my arm around her and she leaned on me.

"I think she will be completely fine now that you say it." Jonnie smiled at me and we went to go watch a movie on the tv.

Half way through the movie, I decided that it would be a good decision to talk about what was on my mind. We had already seen the movie so I thought for it to be okay.

"Jonnie.. i was thinking of something. When I say this, I don't want you to think that I'm breaking up with you or anything. There is just things that have been on my mind that I have been thinking about." I said while looking a little worried thinking about what I was going to say.

She had turned to me and had also looked worried, "Are you okay, Alex? Is there something wrong with us..?" Jonnie had questioned while having the look of her holding back tears.

"No, no. We are completely fine. We're amazing. It's just.. Out of everyone on this entire planet, I don't understand why you would date me. I'm not the best looking. Im not the most charming. Im not the best at anything. If you truly love me, I want to know why. It doesn't make sense to me why anyone would." I had stated my emotions. I had felt a little better about stating them. I had also felt torn apart by what I had thought.

"Alex.. I had fallen in love with you because you are.. You. You don't need to be better at anything to keep me. I just want to keep knowing you love me." Jonnie had replied witha reassuring smile, rubbing my arm.

"Please, I want to believe you but it is extremely hard to.. I have heard this before by others who had broke me, used me, manipulated me, and completely made me feel worthless.." These words came out with tears that follow. Each word was pain and misery being uncovered through the times which I was bring up by trying to rid of the problems that were bothering me now.

"You know I would never do anything to hurt you. I love you and I wish you could see that." Jonnie had tried to be quite reassuring.

"Yeah, well they all said that too. I can't let the past hurt me by letting it repeat. The pain agonizing thoughts which follow each mistake and scar they have left behind.. It all can't be repeated." I had tried to hold back the sorrowfilled drops that wanted to come from my eyes

"I know for a fact that I have never felt what I have for you with anyone else. Stop saying this shit if you know how I feel. I love you, Alex. Nothing can change that." Jonnie raised her voise a little while holding back the tears.

"Many things could chamge how you feel.. I could chamge how you feel. One day you could just get bored and leave. You could live a better life away from me, with someone else. I don't want to be something that will hold you back from happiness. I don't want to be your biggest burden." I had replied making myself a little louder to prove my point.

"If you can't acknowledge how much I have done to try to make you mine and finally having you here, loving you as much as I possibly can, then you need to let that shit from your past go and see what is ahead of you." Jonnie was starting to get angry.

"Why don't you stay out of my goddamn business and move on. I'm nothing special and no one should even look at me the way you do. I am worthless and I am a piece of shit. I am everyone's burden and the one thing that makes everyone else around me depressed. So why don't you get the hell out of my life before it gets even worse!" I had yelled looking angry and pacing around.

"Fine! I will leave you alone, you self-observed asshole! I don't ever want to fucking see you again!" Jonnie had yelled back as we had both just realized what had happened.

"So this means we're over? ... Fine.. Whatever you want." I had said, shocked and sad at the situation.

"Alex..-" Jonnie had been interrupted by the sound of my phone going off.

I had picked it up and answered the phone to see a call from the hospital. I answered it to hear the news of my mother being in critical condition, and dying.

"I need to go, my mom is in critical condition... I'm not coming back." that was the last thing I had told Jonnie before running out the door into my car and driving to the hospital as fast as I could. The news was enough to put me in a panic attack so I had rushed to do the first thing I could think of.

Going away.