My thoughts

06/3/17

Inside a depressed persons mind.

Inside my mind.
----------

I haven't felt "alright" for a really long time.

My depression is at its highest point again. But yet, there's never a low point. There's never a time where I get a break.

-------------

When you're depressed, you don't control your thoughts, your thoughts control you.

I wish people would understand that.

-----------

I'm tired all the damn time, I'm exhausted. But why? Because I'm constantly fighting a war inside my head every single day. And to dismiss my thoughts, I bring on other peoples problems into my head so I'm distracted from the pathetic life I still live. And then I get overwhelmed and I burn out.

If that's not exhausting I don't know what is.

------------

I feel like i bother people just by being alive.

I don't want to be here anymore.

I never wanted to stay anyway, I only stayed for certain people to make them happy.

----------

I hate getting flash backs to things I don't want to remember. That's all that ever goes through my head now a days. I hate it so much and every time I remember things like that I just want to bash my head into the wall until I forget.

But that won't happen. I've already tried.

----------

I say sorry a lot, even if it's not my fault but I say it cuz I know it is.

-----------

Sad hurts but it's a healthy feeling. It is a necessary thing to feel, depression is very different.

I just want to end it. I don't want to wake up, I had a much better time asleep. And it's sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved right? Not me. I woke up into a nightmare.

Sleep just isn't sleep anymore for me, it's an escape.

----------

I really want to be happy, but there's something inside me that screams "you don't deserve it!"

I worry my depression and anxiety are always going to keep me from being the person I dream of becoming.

----------

Sorry for being so fucked up
Sorry for being such a failure
Sorry for being the person you don't want me to be
Sorry for being me.

----------

Faking a smile is so much easier than explaining why your sad.

When people ask "are you okay?" No one cares. They're just pretending to care.

-----------

For me, every thought is a battle. Every breath is a war and I honestly don't think I'm winning anymore.