Blue

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

~*~ Five weeks later ~*~

"Bey?" I heard Shawn behind the door as I moaned into the toilet. "What's going on?"
"I'm fine," I yelled back. "Just don't come in here."
Of course he didn't listen, and he came in anyway. I locked the door, but the spare key is kept above the doorframe, so he easily got in.
My stomach heaved and I gagged into the toilet just as he opened the door.
"You certainly don't look like you're fine." He commented.
"Gee, thanks..." I sighed and held onto my stomach. "Ugh....I hate this..." I moaned at the pain and nausea.
"Hate what?" Shawn asked as he sat down next to me and fingered my hair. It felt good and helped me to take my mind off of the situation.
He still doesn't know that I'm pregnant. I'm almost four months now, just barely into my second trimester. This is only the second time that has happened, but I'm still not getting my hopes up. If anything, I'm getting even more scared. If I end up miscarrying at this point, I'll have to get another D&E, and I certainly didn't want that again. All I can do now is pray.

"Bey?" He called my name again. I'd zoned out with him touching my hair.
"Hm?"
"What's wrong?" He asked.
I sighed and made up a lie. "I think I ate some bad leftover seafood."
"From last week?" I could tell he was frowning. "Yeah, you should have just thrown that out."
As soon as he said throw, I gagged again, and that time, the reflex worked properly.
Shawn held my hair back as I vomited, and when I finished, I continued to moan in pain. "I'll be sure to remember that next time." I responded.

Most days, I am able to hide my morning sickness from Shawn, since he leaves for work before I get up during the week. I work from home, and Shawn is a businessman, so he's usually out while I'm in. But, today is Saturday, and he's off, so he caught me at a bad time.
Once I felt like I couldn't bring up anything else, I washed up and got dressed for the day. On Saturdays, Shawn and I have couple's counseling. Corey's birthday party is also today, and we're having it at our house this year, which means that we have to set everything up once we get back.
Shawn was dressing in the bedroom while I was washing up, and when I finished, we switched. When I took off my oversized tee shirt, I looked at myself in the mirror. At this point, I could have just recently eaten a big meal. My belly has started showing, and unless I wear a loose shirt, it's noticeable. So far, I've just been telling everyone that I've gained weight, which isn't a complete lie, but I know soon that even the oversized shirts won't hide it anymore.

"You ready?" Shawn asked me after he finished washing up too. I wore a loose fitting, black shirt and some dark leggings as well. Most of my pants fit me, but some are too tight, and they're all starting to feel uncomfortable. He dressed casually as well in jeans and a dark tee shirt. When I glanced up at him, for some reason, the thought "I miss him" came to my head. Shawn's never actually left me, and I've never left him, but emotionally, neither one of us is all there. So, I guess I still can miss him, even though we're never apart.
"Yes." I answered his question and picked up my purse so we could leave.

Couple's counseling is never fun. I was incredibly ashamed when we first started going, and I'm still shameful now. The counselors will always tell you that there's nothing to be ashamed about, and getting help is actually a sign that you value your marriage, but it doesn't really help. I look at my family, and no one else seems to be struggling to keep their marriage together. My sister has been married for seven years, my best friend, Kelly has been married for five, and even my mom remarried after my dad died, and she didn't have any problems with either marriage. None of them have ever needed counseling.
Shawn and I have known each other for fifteen years, and we've been married for ten. And don't get me wrong, I know every relationship has problems, so I know my parents and sisters' marriages aren't perfect, but I've never seen any of them as broken as us.