Blue

Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Moment of truth. My heart was racing a little while I laid on the ultrasound table. I had two hopes: one, that my baby had a heartbeat, and two, that I was a good ways along. The first trimester is usually the scariest for most women, but I've miscarried as far as five months, well into my second trimester. I knew I'd be terrified the entire time. But still, the farther along I am, the better.
"Okay..." the technician mumbled as she looked at the screen exhibiting my baby. "The baby is measuring at about eight or nine weeks, and it has a very good heart rate right now."
I let out the breath and tears I was holding. Two of my pregnancies were lost at around six weeks, but I have lost others around this time frame as well, so I wasn't completely relieved. I was mostly happy that there was a heartbeat.
The technician stayed respectfully silent as I cried a little. Once I'd calmed down enough, she spoke softly again.
"Would you like me to print out a picture for you."
I nodded. I always liked to keep some part of them with me, so at least there's tangible evidence that they existed. And that I loved every one of them.

After having my ultrasound, my OBGYN spoke to me briefly before I left.
"Beyoncé," she started softly. "I know you've experienced complications in the past, but you cannot let that interfere with this pregnancy. Or any of your future pregnancies."
"I won't."
"But you are." She stared hard into my eyes with her piercing blue ones. I've been through so much with her, and we've even become close friends. At this point, she knows me very well. Almost too well. "You cannot worry yourself about this. Just relax and do everything you've been doing before. If this baby is meant to be here, it's gonna be here."
I closed my eyes as I spoke. "And what if it's not?"
I felt her sit next to me, and she placed her hand on top of mine. "Then you will heal. But just remember that stressing out is bad for your health too. I know you're thinking mostly about the baby right now, but your health is just as important. The baby can't thrive if you're not taking proper care of yourself. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too."
"Thank you, Gwen."

She smiled at me. "Of course. Did you tell him yet?"
I shook my head. "No. I don't want to break his heart again if something goes wrong. I can't do that to him again."
"Bey honey, you can't think like that. And besides, even if things don't turn out the way you want, who's gonna be there to pick you up if you go through this alone?"
"I've done it before." I admitted.
Her shocked expression was decorated with a frown. "You have?"
I looked down. "He only knows about four of them." I whispered.
She stood up from her chair and started pacing around the office. "I thought you guys were in counceling. Why haven't you told him this?" She said in a disappointed tone.
"Gwen, I don't need your judgement right now."
She sighed and covered her face. "I know. I'm sorry. But Bey, you have to tell him. It's not gonna be pretty if you don't."
"It won't be pretty if I do, either."
"But it's the honest thing to do."
I shook my head. "I just want to spare him the heartbreak. How is that such a terrible thing?"

~*~*~*~

A Year and a Half Ago...

"Damn," Shawn laughed as he saw me pile up my plate with Thanksgiving food. "You gon' eat all that?" He asked.
I smiled and shrugged. "Well, I am eating for two." I spoke with more confidence than I ever had before. My three previous pregnancies all ended within the first trimester. Once I got past that point, I figured the danger was done. We'd already started thinking about names. Shawn wanted to name the baby Brooklyn if it's a girl. We still hadn't decided on a name for a boy yet though. My original plan would have been to name him after Shawn, but with Shawn's nearly two year old son Corey in the picture, I didn't want to do that anymore.
"Wow, you're starting to get big." My sister commented when I sat down. She reached her hand out to rub my belly. "Have you felt any kicking yet?"
I shook my head. "No. But Gwen says that's normal."
But my sister frowned. "Are you sure? I started feeling Julez around sixteen weeks. You're already twenty weeks, and you haven't felt anything yet?"
I glared up at her from my food. "No, I haven't."