Blue

Chapter 9

Saturday morning, we went to see our marriage counselor, as usual. We had just finished telling her about the week we had, and for the first time, she seemed at a loss for words. For a long time, it seemed, we sat in silence while we waited for her to say something. And when she finally did speak, what she had to say wasn't too pretty.
"Mr. and Mrs. Carter, why are you here?"
I frowned. "Um...what?"
"Why are you here?" She repeated. "What do you want from this?"
Shawn answered. "We...we want to work on our marriage."
She slowly nodded. "You want to work on your marriage. Well, you've been working on it for almost five years, and it doesn't seem like you guys are moving forward."
"Well, every couple argues, right?" I whispered.
Dr. Woods gave me a disappointed look. "In just this past week, your husband has re-introduced your insecurities and humiliated you. You've been keeping secrets from him, and you're so angry with him, you two can hardly speak to each other." She laid it out like it was and didn't bother to sugarcoat anything.

I didn't know what to say, so I stayed quiet. He did too, so our counselor continued.
"I'm going to tell you something that you may not want to hear." She paused and looked hard at the both of us. "A marriage is just a piece of paper. Just like a divorce is just a piece of paper. Officially, at least. Some people are already married without the documents, and some people," she shrugged, "they're already divorced, even without the document."
My heart sank in my chest. "What...what-what are you saying?" I stuttered as I spoke. Part of me, a large part, didn't really want to know what she meant by that.

She sighed. "I don't think you two can fix your marriage. You came in to see me five years ago with your problems, and every week, it seems like things just build up. Beyoncé," she addressed me. "You keep everything bottled up inside of you. You're too scared to start the conversations you need to be having, maybe because you're afraid of losing your marriage, I don't know. But I do know that it's unhealthy to keep all that stress to yourself. And Shawn," she turned to him next. "I don't think you care about this relationship as much as you say you do, and I think you stopped fighting a long time ago." She paused briefly, and then she spoke to both of us again. "People think that a marriage counselor is supposed to fix a marriage, and a fixed marriage is a success. But, some people are better off separating from their partners. And that is a success too. You two were individuals before you married, and you shouldn't lose yourselves just to save something that isn't working."

"So, you're saying we need to separate?" Shawn asked.
Dr. Woods raised her hands. "I'm not telling you what to do at all. That is completely up to you. But I will say this; I think you guys are just wasting your time and money by coming here every week. I know it's hard to let go of a marriage when you've invested so much into it, but sometimes...it's the best option."

~*~*~*~*~*~

The entire ride home, all I could think to myself was that we failed. Of course Dr. Woods said that what we decide would ultimately be our decision, but she wasn't wrong about anything she said. I know I keep things to myself far too much, and I can sense that Shawn doesn't have anymore fight left in him.
He was pretty quiet himself, and I really wanted to know what he was thinking, but I was too afraid to ask. There I go again, keeping things inside and not starting the conversations we need to have.

Neither one of us breathed a word the entire ride home. And even when we got there, we were still hedging the conversation.
Finally, Shawn sighed heavily. "Bey, eventually we're gonna have to talk about this."
I could already feel my chest get heavy. There's no way I was leaving this conversation without tear stains. "Okay..." I whispered. Honestly, I was afraid of what he might have to say.
"Come on, sit down." He sat down at the dining room table, and I sat across from him. We felt so far away from each other.
It seemed like hours before we spoke again. Shawn started. "If you don't want to...do this anymore, then I can leave. I can find an apartment, you keep the house."
I was shocked. I couldn't believe he had jumped to that already. I breathed in through my mouth and tried to suppress the tears, but they were already almost spilling over. "I can't afford this house by myself." I whispered again.
"I mean, I can help you out-"
"No." I covered my face.
He paused for a while before speaking again. "No, what?"
"I don't want you to leave."
"You heard what Dr. Woods said-"
"I know what she said." I cut him off again and looked up. But I couldn't look at him just yet. "She said that whatever we decide is our decision. And I don't want you to leave."