Blue

Chapter 7

"Do you think we should tell everyone now?" I asked Shawn a week and a half later. Ever since the baby first started kicking it hasn't stopped. I'm still not sure how I feel about it though. I know I should be happy but I still can't get over any and every possible "what if."
"Well, yeah, we should at least tell our families."
I sighed. "You don't think it's too soon? I mean, remember before-" he cut me off with a kiss.
"That's not gonna happen this time, and you can't think like that."
I nodded. "I know."
"But, if you want to wait a little while longer, I guess we can."
"No," I shook my head. "You're right. We should at least tell our families. My mom and sister already know, so we might as well tell everyone else."
"How do they know?"
"My mom hugged me, and then asked if I swallowed a watermelon seed. Solange was just in the room."
He laughed. "What?"
I shrugged back. "I only told her the day before I told you. I was already showing."
He smiled and rubbed my belly over my shirt. "Baby Watermelon. That could be a good name, right?"
"No."

When we were finished joking around, we left the house to visit my therapist. Shawn is really adamant about me having some kind of treatment for the depression while I'm pregnant. Honestly, I think I can manage it, but if it will ease his mind, as long as I don't have to take any drugs, I was fine with it.
When we entered her office, my therapist, Melinda, greeted us.
"So, what brings the two of you here?" I usually follow up with her once every two to three months, and I don't usually come with Shawn, so this was definitely a special occasion.
"Well," Shawn started. "We just found out that Beyoncé is pregnant-"
"Really? Congratulations!"
"Thanks." I mumbled.
He continued. "But, she's been...having a hard time recently."
"A hard time...?" She hinted that she wanted more explanation. This time, I chose to speak.

"I've been...having thoughts..."
Melinda frowned. "Thoughts of hurting yourself?"
"No," I lied. "Just...anxious thoughts, I guess. I...I sometimes don't want to get out of bed, and I don't even want to eat, or work, I just...don't really feel myself sometimes."
"You know she's hurt herself in the past, and I just don't want her to get to that point again."
I honestly hated when he brought up my past self harm, but Melinda knows all about it anyway.
She nodded. "There are some prescriptions and doses that are safe for pregnancy-"
"I don't want to take any pills." I stopped her. "We were wondering if there's something more...natural, I guess, that I could try."
"Hm...what about yoga?"
"Yoga?"
She smiled. "I'm not talking about aligning your chakras, or anything. But, exercise does increase the dopamine levels in your brain. And, it's healthy for the baby, so that's a plus. I'd recommend you try a couples class specifically for pregnant women. Doing it together might help too."

~*~*~*~*~*~

For the rest of their hour, the couple stayed and talked with the therapist about any other issue she wanted to talk about. When their hour was up, Beyoncé excused herself to use the bathroom, but Melinda asked Shawn to stay back.
"I want you to keep an eye on her, okay?"
He nodded. "Okay. For what, exactly?"
Melinda sighed. "It's extremely common for women who have a history of depression to also experience antepartum and postpartum depression. Just watch out for any signs."
"Signs like what?" He frowned.
"Well, a lot of the signs are similar to what she's already experienced: fatigue, loss of motivation, appetite loss, things like that. But, as far as antepartum depression, one sure sign is if she's feeling especially anxious about the baby, or about being a mother. If she experiences postpartum depression, she may not be bonding with the baby as much as she should. I can give you the numbers to some experts on both conditions, if you like."
He nodded. "Yes, of course."
"Oh, and there's one more thing." She started. "I don't think she's telling the truth about her thoughts of self harm."
Shawn frowned again. "What makes you say that?"
She sighed. "As her therapist, I can't specifically say. But I've been treating her for a long time now, let's just say...I recognize the signs in her."