Blue

Chapter 11

We didn't speak much to each other during my appointment. This would be his first time going to any of my checkups.
After a long time of silence between us while we were sitting in the waiting room of the clinic, he spoke. "Do you want to find out the sex of the baby today?"
I shook my head. "No. But if you want to know, then you can ask. Just don't tell me."
I heard him sigh. "Why don't you want to know?"
I looked up at him. "I think you already know the answer to that question."
He was about to respond, but before he could, the nurse called for me.

Together, we went back to the room, and the nurse took all my vital signs before leaving to get Gwen. In all honesty, I should have found someone other than my friend to be my OB, but she knows my situation the best, and I didn't want to change doctors.
"Hello, you two." She greeted us when she came into the room. "Shawn, it's nice to finally see you here."
He smiled. "Thanks."
"You ready to take a look at the little one?"
"He wants to know the sex of the baby." I told her.
She glanced between us, and her eyes settled on mine. "You still don't want to know?"
I shook my head and closed my eyes. "I can't."
I heard her let out a breath. "Okay. Let's take a look."

~*~*~*~

"So," Gwen started when Beyoncé was out of earshot. She left the room temporarily to use the bathroom after her ultrasound. "You sure you wanna know the sex of the baby? Or do you change your mind?"
"Actually," I started. "Maybe you could put it in an envelope, you know, and we can do a gender reveal or something. You know, surprise her."
She frowned at me like I was crazy. "I don't think that's a good idea."
"Why not?"
"She doesn't want to know the sex of the baby." She argued. "I don't think you should force that on her."
"It's not..." I sighed. "Listen, she hasn't been happy lately, and I think it's because she feels kind of distant, or detached from the baby. Maybe finding out the gender will make her feel more connected to him or her."
Her frown remained. "Or it could make her really angry. You know there's a reason she's 'detached,' as you say. This type of behavior is normal for women who have had multiple miscarriages."
I sighed and shrugged. "I just want to make her feel better, you know."
"Then why don't you take her out, or something. I know it seems counter intuitive, but maybe you should do something with her that will take her mind off of the baby and all her worries."
I thought about that. The idea was a good one, but that's assuming she's even want to go out. Especially now, and especially with me.

~*~*~*~

"So, did she tell you?"
He frowned. "Did who tell me what?"
"Gwen. Did she tell you the sex of the baby?"
"Oh, no."
I frowned. "Why not? I told her she could, I didn't tell her to keep it from you-"
"It's okay, it was my decision." He answered. "I...I thought that if I knew, it would make you want to know, and then you'd feel more..." he trailed off.
"More what? More...happy?"
"Well, yes, but no not exactly. I was thinking more...more attached to the baby."
I frowned. "You don't think I'm attached to the baby?"
He sighed. "Bey, c'mon, I don't want to argue."

He was right. I didn't want to argue either, so I went quiet again. We drove in silence the rest of the way home. My body felt heavy as we pulled into the driveway. I don't remember a time when we both pulled up to the house, but only I went inside. I think he sensed my grief, so he spoke again.
"Maybe I should walk you inside? You know, just to make sure you get in safe."
I smiled a little and nodded. "Yeah."
He helped me out of the passenger seat and walked me to the front door. When I opened the door and walked inside, he followed in after me. My chest felt heavy again.
"I guess..." I whispered with the tears in my eyes. "I guess we have to say goodbye now."
He took a step closer to me and placed his hands on my waist. Slowly, he leaned into me and placed his lips on mine. In my mind, I thought to myself that this would be the last kiss I'd get from him in a long time, and I didn't want to let him go. So I didn't.