The Life of Me pt.1

June 12th 2017 3:30 pm

I have the same feeling like I'm useless. Like I'll never get anything right, and that I'll only bring hate to everyone. I can't get these feeling off of me. But other people can. Yet I still have that feeling that everyone will turn their backs on me. Like that everyone is out to get me. Look at me, well you can't but I can, and all I see is nothing but sadness, like everyone forgot me in an instant. Is that how I'll live my life? Have the one feeling like everyone hates me and that all they want to do is hurt me? I want this feeling to leave, I need it to leave... but I can't, only other people can. And fear is always getting in my way to talking to people, leaving me to write in this journal, dairy, blog, or whatever you want to call it, I write in this thing, and no matter how many times I write about how bad my life is it will never get much better. Heh, I'm nothing but a crybaby most of the time. I can't cry in front of people, that makes me look vulnerable to everyone, allowing everyone to make it all worse. I can't make friends, it was never in my nature. My family doesn't know a thing about me, no one really does. All they know is that my life sucks, and that they are going to make it worse. Same with every other person on this Earth. They never cared, all except for those of you how read what I write. All of you that read my updates everyday. I know you can make me feel better, but I can't make the courage to do anything about it. So I am always at this point everyday, waiting for someone to do something. For someone to start a conversation, but I can't, I've never been able too, I'll never be able too. Instead I wait for something to not happen. It's stupid isn't it? Reading how bad my life is? Reading how I'll never be able to do anything? Reading about how I'll never accomplish anything? I don't even know why I even started the book. Originally it wasn't supposed to be published, but due to my unknowing of how to unpublish things I've been writing in this thing to make it seem like it was all supposed to be published. I even rewrote the first update to make it seem like it was all supposed to be published. I never wanted people to find out what I really thought. I never wanted anyone to know about these two other voices in my head. I never never wanted anyone to care about me. I never hoped for things to get better. I never wished that something good will happen. I never thought I'd be where I am now. But look. Look at what I wrote. It's all down. Nearly everything that I am is in this book. Nearly everything that I did is in this book. Only about two more or maybe three more things, then you will know who I am exactly. Just three more things then you will know who the real Kevin Matthew Staley is. Just three more things, then you will know everything.