July 18th 2017 2:39 pm

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i can hardly ever continue to do this some times. do what? write in this book. wait for jannessa to talk, which she already did today. she was one of the two notifications saying happy birthday, she was what made me smile earlier. but at times i can hardly wait for her, and those times i say to myself that she's done with me. i can hardly keep my promise to write in this thing at least once a day. it's just at times i just want to disappear from it all. fade away, just like what i keep doing. i faded away from most people's lives, i've faded away from everything i did. now whatever i was apart of, you never find anything related to me. damnit. i have to admit something. there have been many promises that i stopped keeping, mainly because i was sick of keeping them. i was sick of having to do the same exact dumb crap everyday. i can hardly keep this promise, but it feels like if i were not make an update one day, everything will start to fall to hell. just like it always does. i can hardly keep myself up at times. not awake up, i mean willing to do anything. i prefer my really depressed self then any other me there is. the not depressed self, the self that wants to die, the always ready to do anything self, the self that hates humanity, the self the wishes it could change the past, the self that really wants to end up being jannessa's boyfriend (another word i don't know the limits of). out all of those, i prefer the really depressed me. none of the others.

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