120 Days Left

IX // CHAPTER NINE

After a long night, I convinced Phoenix that everything was okay. And I told him that one of our old friends passed away.

I felt so bad for lying to him- disgusted even. He was nothing but sweet to me and I just straight up lied to him. What kind of a person am I?

I don't know what to do, should I act natural until the day comes, or should I slowly drift away from him so the damage wouldn't be as bad in the end?

It's 4 in the morning, and guess who isn't getting any sleep? Yeah, me.

I haven't faced anyone, or talked to anyone after Phoenix left. And my mom is still asleep, I don't want to wake her up, she needs to rest..

I lied in my bed, listening to a sad song on repeat.. then got out my diary and started writing in it,

Dear Diary,

I messed up real bad, I lied to a friend that cared. And now the guilt is eating me alive. I thought if I hid the truth it'll make everything easier, but instead I made a huge mistake.

I feel like I'm hurting everyone around me.. My mom, my friends, basically everyone. But I never intended to.

I stopped writing and closed the diary, what's the point of trying to finish the bucket list? it's impossible, and I think it was a bad idea.

I'll just tell Phoenix today at school that I'm done with the bucket list.. I'll still tutor him if he wants to, but I don't want to complete the list anymore.

I threw the diary and lied in my bed again, wore my earphones and un-paused that sad song..

Hold me in your arms, sing me a lullaby.. tell me everything will be alright.

I'm lost in the darkness, I'm scared of falling, would you ever help me fly?

'Cause baby I'm leaping to my end, I never got to say goodbye

All I could think of was Phoenix.

Phoenix, Phoenix, Phoenix..

My thoughts were interrupted when my mom knocked on my door, I paused the song and said "Come in"

She came in, her eyes looked baggy and tired, but she smiled at me. a forced one to make me think that she's okay. "Good morning mom" I smiled back.

"Good morning honey, it's 4 a.m why are you already awake?" She sat beside me. "I don't know, I couldn't sleep" I told her honestly.

"Violet, I know things are hard now, but you have a chance dear. We can still do chemotherapy" She said quietly and stroked my hair.

"Mom, it won't help. I just know that It won't. I can't see myself growing up or graduating" I told her, tears already at the brim of my eyes.

"Sweet, I'm not pushing you into doing anything.. but please consider it. What would I do without you?" She said, sadness seeping through her voice.

"You know I never intend to hurt you, or anyone" I tried to explain but she interrupted me and said, "I know honey, I know.. I just wish fate was on our side" then hugged me.

I hugged her back, and in that hug I almost saw all of my memories with her.

First room, first birthday party, first day at school, first boy problems..