Tala's Farewell Journal (Prequel)

#53

June 17, 2017 // 10:17 pm

Isa na rin 'to. Habang binabasa ko 'to kaninang tanghali naiyak na lang ako. Nagulat nga ako eh. Kasi madalas hindi ko kayang umiyak sa umaga (unless sobrang malala talaga yung nangyari) Mas sanay kasi akong sa gabi umiiyak. Eto rin, alam kong English yan pero nung binasa ko hindi naman ako na-nosebleed hahahaha kasi nga ramdam na ramdam ko. Sana basahin mo rin 'to...

I saw the picture of you with her today. It was a beautiful picture. Her head rested on your shoulder, but my eyes were drawn to your face.
Your smile was one I haven't seen in a while. Genuine. Big. It was the same smile I fell in love with.

To my surprise, I found myself grinning back at you. I felt happiness rise up inside my chest.
It was then that I realized that I love you. Not the kind of love we shared when we whispered to each other late at night or danced in each others' arms around your bedroom, but a deeper one – a stronger one.
A love that is defined, not by romance or intimacy or passion, but by trust and support and care. A love so platonic that I discovered it while looking at a picture of you with another girl.

I looked at that picture of the two of you and I realized that I no longer wanted it to be me. We had something special and I will cherish those memories forever, but I think I always knew deep down that I was never the girl for you.

For a long time, though, I wanted to be. And it hurt me to talk to you because you're kind and smart and funny and being away from you was too painful. And I wasn't mature enough to acknowledge the feelings I had and deal with them appropriately.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for the way I acted after I left. You were always patient and level-headed and understanding and I never gave you the explanations you deserved. I'm sorry for the way I treated you.

You've always been wiser than me, especially with things like this. You were ready to be friends way sooner than I was, and I'm sorry that I wasn't able to see it the way you did. To see what I see now.

You were the first to teach me about love, so it's fitting that you're teaching me this too.
Teaching me the true meaning of love, and of friendship. Teaching me that love and romance are not inseparable, and that it's okay to have one without the other. You are one of the greatest people I have had the pleasure of knowing, and nobody deserves happiness more than you.

I'm sorry it took me so long to come to this. The past few years were painful. I missed you so much that it hurt to hear your voice, to see that smile. But now, I love to see it.
I know it's not a competition, but I hope she makes you happier than I did. I hope she loves you deeper. I hope she gives you everything I couldn't. You deserve nothing but the best, and I hope with all of my heart that she is it.

I once had the opportunity to be your best friend. I fear now that I may have ruined it, but I want you to know that I will always be cheering for you, whether you can hear me or not.
I hope you forgive me. I hope we can be friends again. But more than anything else, I hope you're happy.