The Myth of Wile E

A Binding Agreement

Well, I don't know whether it was due to the good grapefruit juice or what, but Gladys finally did in fact get into some auditions. One was for a TV movie called Amazing Jane, a prequel to Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?. Then there was the part of the fairy, in the live-action Rocky and Bullwinkle spin-off, Totally Fractured Fairy Tales.

She even got on the short list to star in the TV show American Velvet, in which Velvet and her talking bionic horse, the P.I.E. (Prototype Intelligent Equine), would travel the country competing in rodeos and solving mysteries. Unfortunately, Gladys was eliminated when it was discovered that she didn't know an apple from an Appaloosa, despite being from Kentucky.

At the auditions, some of the casting agents wanted to know where Gladdy had "studied."

"The School of Hard Knocks," Mama would tell them. But no one seemed to think that was an impressive credential-maybe because the School of Hard Knocks is so easy to get into. In fact, it's pretty much everyone's safety school. The casting agents kept saying that Gladdy should enroll in a formal program, but Mama figured there was no time for that. The breasts were starting to show up.

Mama and Gladdy had a binding agreement with regard to the breasts. It was like this: Mama made Gladdy bind them, and Gladdy agreed to. Before each audition, Gladdy would stand in the middle of the room, bulging out of her control-top tights, her camisole-style undershirt, and even her pom-pom ankle socks. She would solemnly raise up her hands as if she were going to be shot. Then Mama would wrap this thing around Gladys that looked like a giant Ace bandage. That made it hard for Gladdy to bend at the waist, but it did give her really excellent posture, which she still has to this day. At first Gladdy said she wouldn't be able to sing with the binder on, because she couldn't really breathe. But Mama said that was nonsense. She explained that Judy Garland had filled out early too, and had to be bound up to play Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, and didn't she belt out "Over the Rainbow" just fine, breath or no breath?

Somewhere up ahead, Gladdy's youth said: BEEP-BEEP. It was getting away.

Mama said, "Looks like it's time for the catalogs."