The Myth of Wile E

Edison Potatoes vs. Tesla Zucchinis

I could have sworn I'd made a list of Things to Get in Town. I was sure of it. But when I'd left for my trek that morning, the list was nowhere to be found. Lost, like Hemingway's suitcase. Lost, like Love's Labour's Won.

Oh well. I was pretty sure I'd memorized my sub-list, "Things to Get at the Electronics Store," which went something like this:

Things* To Get @ the Electronics Store w/Gift Card
*(that don't need electricity!!!)

1. ?

Hmm.

Placards in the electronics store urged me to seek assistance from a "team member" if I had any questions. I looked around. All the electronics store "team members" were wearing red shirts. Also, judging from their badges, they did not have last names, only first ones. Poor team members. Had they been backed up lately?

I found a redshirt who was busy chewing gum and putting orange stickers on things. As I approached he looked up slowly and paused mid-chew, like a cow watching a passing train.

I asked him whether the electronics store might have anything for sale that was not, you know, strictly speaking . . . electronic?

He gave me pretty much the same look as I'd gotten from the folks at EACH!thing's a Dollar. Then he went back to what he was doing. That gum was not going to chew itself.

Actually, there turned out to be more options than I'd expected. After a few minutes I amended my mental list to something like this:

Things* I Can Get at the Electronics Store w/ Gift Card. (*That don't need electricity.)

1. 13 size "C" batteries for my old flashlight
2. 1/4 of a set of solar pathway lights
3. 1/2 of a hand-cranked radio/light
4. 1.5 potato-powered light kits

I dismissed the batteries, because that struck me as a temporary solution. What if I couldn't come up with birthdays fast enough to keep the flashlight alive?

One-fourth a set of solar lights seemed like a pretty good idea, only no one at the electronics store had the authority to split up the set. (This is what happens when you have too many redshirts and no first officers.) It would've cost me four birthdays to get the whole set, and I'd only had one birthday recently.

A hand-cranked radio/light sounded like a brilliant idea. Why couldn't everything run that way? Just like with an old wind-up clock, every day I'd have to make the rounds, crank the fridge and the television and the overhead lights. Instead of something passive and inert, the house would become a performance I'd have to keep going, like a hula-hoop or spinning plates.

Unfortunately it would have cost me two birthdays to get the light/radio, and who knew how long that might take?

So I settled on a science kit where you use a potato to power a tiny light. Granted, I didn't have any potatoes, so the light would have to run on zucchini power. But that might be okay. Maybe zucchini power would be even better. Maybe potato is like the Edison current, and zucchini is the Tesla current? I guess I'd find out in summer when the zucchinis arrived.

The redshirt guy didn't seem to think I'd need a potato-to-zucchini current adapter. He claimed he'd never even heard of such a thing. I sure hoped he knew what he was talking about, because the last thing I wanted was to cause a blackout.