An Accidental Murder

Chapter 36-Letters

Laying in the dark, in my room, with nothing but the light of the moon shining through the windows casting shadows on the purple walls; I stared as the tree branches, quivering in the wind, waved a solemn goodbye. This would be the last time I slept in my bed, the last time I smelled the Downy fabric softener my mom used on my sheets and blankets, the last time I'd hear the sound of the wind or the waves splashing against the sand on the lake just past our backyard.

The trophies, plaques and ribbons that spanned the length of the wall belonged to a different girl. That girl had her life together, had dreams and goals, had too many friends to count, was what every girl wanted to be - but I wasn't that girl anymore. None of those things mattered. Now, I was only one thing - a killer.

I glanced at the pictures of myself with my family, friends, teammates and noticed how big I was smiling, how much my eyes lit up and how much people seemed to love me. It'd been a long time since I smiled like that or since anyone else had smiled around me like that. I couldn't remember the last time I laughed or cracked even the slightest grin.

I wondered what would be harder for my parents to deal with...me committing suicide or their discovery that I was a murderer. Suicide seemed like a much easier option in the moment, but I was never that kind of girl. I just didn't know if I could live the rest of my life being called a murderer or having all of the people around me constantly giving me side eye or whispering about me behind my back. I couldn't imagine how I'd survive prison. I'd probably be despised from the moment I stepped foot on the compound; poor little pretty rich girl. They'd probably beat me up and steal my commissary. I chuckled a little at the realization that I'd clearly been watching too much of Orange is the New Black, but I shivered at the thought of my parents seeing me battered and bruised. God knows I couldn't fight back to save my life.

Before long, the gravity of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks and my eyes welled with tears. I hadn't wanted to cry. I blinked and the tears cascaded down my cheeks forming small puddles on the pillow beneath my head. How did I get here?

If I turned myself in, would I also have to incriminate Ryan? Should I just carry the brunt of this entire situation and let him off scott free? I couldn't even begin to imagine what he might tell the police that could make everything that much worse for me. And really, it wasn't his fault that I was feeling guilty about it. As of now, we'd gotten away with what we'd done, but I was the only one still thinking about it and obsessing over it. Ugh! Why couldn't I just let it go?!

I turned on the television to drown out the overwhelming silence in my room. When the screen lit up, there was an image of Michael Cates. It was a different picture than the one that had previously been used. He was standing on the beach in his swimming trunks with one hand on a jet ski. He's face was lit up in a smile and his steely eyes beamed. The reporter was asking for anyone with information leading to an arrest in the case to please come forward. His family appeared on the screen and a woman, who appeared to be his mother was sobbing as she spoke into the microphone. She begged for the person responsible to turn himself in. They were offering a monetary award for anyone who could provide information leading to an arrest. The beautiful woman was overcome with grief and began sobbing. Several other family members consoled her and an older gentlemen came to the mic.

"Michael was our world," he stated. "It has been so, so difficult not having him here with us and knowing that he's missing out on his precious little girl..." He looked down at a baby carrier and smiled as a little pale arm reached up into the air. Choking back the tears, he continued, "It's important to our family to know who took him from us. We just want to know why you did it and let you know that we forgive you. With the help of our friends and community, we've put together a very generous award that will be given to anyone who can lead us to the person who took our son away from us... Thank you - we have nothing more."

I felt the all too familiar churning in my stomach. The horror of knowing that I was responsible for taking that little baby's father away made everything so much worse. But knowing that he hadn't had to die made things unbearable. What was I going to do? I wiped my tears from my cheeks and flopped onto my belly, pressing my face deep into the wetness of my pillow. I stayed that way so long, until it became difficult to breathe and then lifted my head up gasping for air. Is it possible to suffocate yourself? I wondered.

I climbed out of my bed and switched on my MacBook. I googled death by suffocation and drowning. After checking just two websites, I'd had about all I could take on that note. I read through a lot of it, but most of it wasn't relevant to what I was looking for and a few images popped up that I would never be able to unsee. I gave up on it, closing my laptop and resting my head on the back of my chair.

After a few minutes had passed, I sat up straight and pulled some stationary and a pen out of the drawer of my desk. I then took a deep breath, let out a heavy sigh and began the first of several letters, I'd write before I did what I had to do.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I know that this letter is going to bring you grief, but I'll try to keep it short. I'm writing because I have a confession to make. I did something awful - no horrible - incomprehensible. I can't even make myself write it on paper. I don't deserve to live. I'm sorry that I was not the daughter you wanted me to be. I can't pretend anymore...please forgive me for what I did and for what I'm about to do.

Love, Amber

I read the letter to my parents over and over again through my tired, blurry eyes, but I wasn't really satisfied by what it said so I folded it up and placed it in an unlabeled envelope inside my drawer where I could read it over again after getting some sleep. I thought maybe it'd be easier to write my letter to Ryan instead.

Ryan,

I remember when we first met and how much I've loved every moment of my life with you until this last month. We've always been inseparable. I thought you would be my soulmate and we'd get married and have an amazing future together with beautiful little children and everything we could ever want in life. I'm sorry that I let you down. I'm sorry that I was weak.

These demons won't let me go and I can't keep fighting them anymore. Despite everything that is happening in my world right now, I did love you...I'm pretty sure I still do. I hope you don't hate me forever for what I'm preparing to do.

Always and Forever, Amber

Ugh! I thought to myself. I hated the way I sounded in these letters. Maybe I was just too tired and should try this again after getting some sleep. Once again, I folded the letter up and placed it in an envelope before shoving it in the drawer with the note to my parents. I placed my head down on my arms and exhaled heavily. In just a minute, I had dozed off.