An Accidental Murder

Chapter 17

"You cannot be frikking serious, Amber!! Ugh, you're like getting more stupid every day!" Ryan yelled, pacing back in forth in front of me in my bedroom, arms flailing and nostrils flaring.

Ryan was furious after learning I'd gone to the hospital to see Michael Cates. I was such a mess afterward, I couldn't even walk myself home. I'd had no choice but to call Ryan, but it was last thing I'd wanted to do. He had lectured me the entire ride back to my place and all but had to carry me up to the house and into my room.

"I'm sorry...I don't know what to say, " I stammered.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what to say..." He mocked. "How about not saying anything Amber?! How about shutting your goddamn mouth? Have you ever thought of that?" He stopped suddenly and leaned over me glaring. My body tensed as I waited for him to push me or smack me, but he instead took a deep breath and very calmly spoke between clenched teeth. "You are going to ruin my life. I'm warning you that if you do, you will regret it."

He pushed himself backward away from me and placed his hand over his mouth in a gesture of grief. Then he started crying.

I'd never seen Ryan cry before. He slumped heavily onto the purple down comforter at the foot of my bed. His faced looked old and tired; worn out and weak.

"I've worked so hard," he said, almost inaudibly. "This has been my whole life. I don't know anything else. I'm going to lose everything because I loved you and you don't even care. I was trying to help you! I wanted to protect you - but you...you just want to bring me down with you. You're giving up on yourself, Amber. You used to have dreams too. Don't you still want those things?" He reached out and held my hand. "Don't you want to grow old with me? Have babies together someday like we used to talk about?"

"Of course I do, Ryan," I said, moving closer and leaning my head on his shoulder. "I want all of those things, just like you. I'm sorry...I'm just not strong like you. This is so hard and I feel so guilty all the time," I cried.

"Okay, baby," he whispered, stroking my hair. "Don't talk anymore...let's just lay hear for a while. We'll figure everything out. Trust me."

We laid together in the bed for what seemed like hours, never speaking just listening to each other breathe. Before long, Ryan had fallen asleep, but I was still awake struggling to quiet my racing thoughts. I replayed the events that had happened over and over in my mind, wishing I'd have never let myself be distracted by Ryan's flirting or thinking that maybe I should have just let him drive in the first place. I spent time regretting that I hadn't made sure Michael was dead that night in the rain and that I had allowed Ryan to convince me to throw the poor man in a ditch to die alone and cold. I should have called 911. I should have just done the right thing from the very beginning, but I hadn't.

I didn't see how we'd "figure everything out". This wasn't like me getting caught sneaking out or cheating on a test. This was far beyond that. A human life had been taken and we were to blame. Besides the worldly ramifications of something like that, I was mostly afraid of how God would punish me for this when I die. Would He have more mercy on me if I turned myself in? Did I get bonus points for being honest after the fact?

I realized that I hadn't been to church in quite a while. I was so busy with my social life and extra curricular activities that I'd never made time for it, but now I was really wishing that I had and I'm far from being the religious type. Nevertheless, I knew deep down, that I had committed a terrible, terrible sin and I'd have to pay for it. I was terrified of what that would be like - when I died. But I wasn't ready to die. I had to find a way to get through this.