everything is red [jd.tj]

ch. 14

Josh

I am a very conflicted human right now. I don't know what to do about my emotions. Especially the ones about Tyler. I feel so awful for what I did today to him. I say we are friends but then I go and bully him all because I don't wanna lose a fake friend that's keeping my popularity. Plus, he talked to me and knowing that he hasn't talked in such a long time? It made me feel special. And his voice, oh my god his voice, it was beautiful. But I just ruined the chances of ever hearing it again.

I don't know why I was being rude to him in the first place, I guess it was because I wanted to be cool, but what I'm doing isn't cool. It's going to be hard though now because my natural instinct is to be a dick. I really wanna be his friend, he would be my first real friend in many years. But I most likely have just ruined the chances of that. I guess we will talk after school.

He was so sad. I was almost too scared to say anything, worried that it might break the already fragmented boy. I sigh loudly, just enough to get his attention before speaking up.

"Look, I really am sorry Tyler. I don't know what came over me! It was like my natural instinct was to be an ass. I'm sorry I didn't stop him, or said anything in the first place. I really want to be your friend Tyler. I need a real friend." My voice trailed off on the last part, hoping he wouldn't hear, but I'm sure he did. I was starting to get worked up. A single tear slipped out of one of my glass eyes. I closed my eyes, preventing the others to come out. I'm not going to cry in front of him. Oh wait, I already am, shit.

I suddenly feel and soft touch on my shoulder, making me jump lightly. But the sound that comes after it is angelic. He giggles. He fucking giggles. I open my eyes to see a very smiley Tyler. He reaches his other hand up, and wipes away the tears with his little thumb. I smile lightly, and lean into his touch.

"It will be okay." He says, his cheeks flushing a bright pink color, making him look very small. I can tell he's not very used to his voice.

"Thank you so much Tyler. This means a lot. I'm gonna try my hardest to be nice. It's going to be tough though, so please just don't except me to be all sunshine and rainbows at first yeah?" His smile immediately disappeared, but he nodded nonethless. So, I give him something that he very much needed.

I engulf him in my arms, holding him close to my body. I can feel him freeze for a second, but he eventually hugs back. He nuzzles his head into my neck, making me be the blushing mess.

"Thank you Josh." And the moment he said my name, it made me realize that I don't wanna be just friends.

Tyler and I were walking to school in the light rain. I insisted to give him a ride, but he declined, and I most certainly wasn't going to let him walk alone, so I joined him.

He had me thinking a lot yesterday. I was really starting to like Tyler and that made me scared. I have always been gay, but I haven't came out to anyone. Like anyone. At all. And now that I think about it, the only reason I would fuck Hayley or Debby is because I was trying to turn myself straight, but I know it doesn't work like that. It's not a choice, but sometimes I wish it was. I know Tyler wants me to be myself, but he doesn't understand. I just can't. And knowing how he gets bullied because of it makes me terrified, but then again, he hasn't even came out. Wait, he hasn't even came out. Shit, is he even gay? Fucking hell. I mean, I'm sure he is, you can kind of tell, which is why he gets bullied for it in the first place.

I really need to make things right, and I just know where to start.

It was first period and I kept getting looks all this morning. Luckily, Tyler wasn't messed with earlier, so that made things easier for me. I could feel Tyler's eyes from behind me. I know my cheeks were a ruby red, I could feel them slowly heat up.

I looked over at Hayley from the corner of my eye. That's where I needed to start. I'm going to ask her to talk to me next period since we have a freebie. I just hope she complies. I feel really awful for the things I did to her. That pour girl doesn't deserve it. Plus, she used to be a mute like Tyler, but ever since I made her say those mean things to Tyler, she hasn't stopped talking. Like, she needed to shut the fuck up sometimes. But, she very much deserves an apology. I guess you could say I'm now changing my life.