everything is red [jd.tj]

ch. 16

Trigger Warning::. Stay safe

He's pacing back and fourth through his home. His large ass home. No one else is there except for him and a few of his maids/butlers. He wants to scream, scream so bad. Let out a piercing noise that would make anyone want to rip off their tiny, little ears. He pulls out his hair, tears threatening to pour out of his broken eyes.

"I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. Tyler is only a friend. You can think you're friend is cute. Friends can give you butterflies. Friends can hold your hand. Friends can find your laugh attractive. Friends can find each other attra-"

"Mister Dun? Are you alright?" He snaps back into reality and focuses his eyes on his worried maid, Ruby.

"I uh." He removes his hands from his hair and let's them fall carelessly to his sides. He sighs and slumps his shoulders.

"I'm fine, sorry for the disturbance."

"No problem dear, now stop pulling out that hair. It's already gonna fall out from you dying it too much." She playfully scolds him, which makes Josh almost smile. Almost. He starts to make his way back to his room, that is, until he hears Ruby speak again.

"Also Joshua, there's nothing wrong with liking your friend nor being gay."

It's 1 am and the Joseph's are wide awake, awaiting for their mother's arrival. Usually they would be in bed anyways, despite her going out or not. But she hasn't in quite some time, so they are worried. Tyler kept giving his little sibbies reassurance that she will be coming home soon, but the thing is, he's been saying that for at least 6 hours now. He tried to make them get their much needed rest, but they wouldn't obey and would protest. He eventually gave up, so now, here they are, watching Spongebob at 1 am. All of their thoughts are distant, along with their soul. They know they shouldn't be reacting this odd, but they can't help it. It's like everything has been set back in reality when she left and now they are back to their walls being built up. Well, everyone besides Jay, who was too young to comprehend a damn thing.

Tyler looked at the TV in thought. He already as an idea as to where Momma Joseph could be, but he wouldn't dare think of his mother steeping so low. But, then again, this is Kelly we are talking about, she was like this in highschool too.

He wishes his life wasn't like this. He wishes he can be happy and not be so broken all of the time. He wishes he didn't have to grow up so soon nor his siblings. He wishes that everything is fine, everything is okay, everything is perfect. He wants to write out his emotions, or play a melodic tune on the school's piano. But instead, he does things much more worse. He cuts, and he cuts hard. Now, he doesn't do it on his wrists because that would be too noticeable and it would seem like he's doing it for attention. So, he does it on his thighs, stomach, and the top part of his legs. They are littered everywhere, and any time his mother would come in and beat him, the cuts would reopen or continue bleeding since some were just in the process of being put there. His mother knows of his ways, but she doesn't do anything to stop him. Although, she only seems to notice he does that whenever she isn't sober, but when she is, it's like she completely forgot. Which makes sense.

Like I said, he'd rather create art than scars, but sometimes, you need these scars to remind you of how strong you are. That you are surviving even though it's going a little rough. These are his battle wounds and when he gets older and has a family of his own, he won't look back at these with regret. No, he looks back at them as accomplishments for making it through another shitty ass day.

At least he's aware of his actions, because some who self harm aren't aware that it's bad, but he knows it is, and that's a step closer to getting better. And that's the thing, he wants to get better, he genuinely does, but he feels like he deserves this self inflicted pain. He's a failure and can't even speak up for himself. Zack knows this. Tyler doesn't know that Zack knows he cuts. Tyler only does it when 'everyone' is asleep, but there was a time when Zack wasn't. He watched his brother with a mortified face as he would cut deep into his flesh. Ever since then, Zack has been giving Tyler constant praises, but Tyler refuses to believe them. He wants to, but he just can't, even if his life depended on it.

Suddenly, there's a burst through the door and it was the person of the night.

"Mommy!" All the children scream, well except for Tyler, and Jay attempts to, but fails miserably. Zack and Madison rush to her side, clinging onto her clothes, that is until their noses scrunch up at the god awful smell.

"Oh my goodness what is that smell?" Zack says with disgust. Madi only nods in agreement. Tyler soon scrunched up his nose as well, the smell finally reaching him.

"S-sorry kids, g-got off late." She mumbles, alcohol laced in her breath. To make it even worse, she burps between almost every word, making her sound like an uncle who is fat and bald and drinks away their nonexistent problems. Except she does have a few, and they are somewhat excused. But that's besides the point.

She sluggishly kisses everyone's foreheads, including Tyler's, then goes into her room and locks the door. The kids stay up a little while longer, to make sure she's here to stay. But the quickly go to their rooms the moment moans fill their ears.

Disgusting. Tyler thought as he pressed the blade to his skin. Just disgusting. Tyler kept repeating the action as the moans kept getting louder. Madi was sound asleep, and so was Jay.

Then there was Zack, who was now finally coming to terms that he's gonna have to become the savior for everyone in this damned house.