I stared at the pictures on the side, Harry & I on our wedding day, Harry & Daisy, then I turned my attention to the full bottle of vodka sat on the table infront of me, I touched the lid with my fingertip and then pulled my hand back quickly like the lid had burnt my finger, I rubbed my hand over my swollen stomach, cursing the baby lay growing inside me
Harry had rung me earlier we ended up arguing again so that's why I bought the vodka,I just wanted someone to understand me, it wasn't that I didn't love Harry, totally the opposite infact I couldn't love him more than I did, he filled my head everyday, I just wasn't ready for another child, why could nobody understand this?
I touched the vodka bottle again now screwing the lid off, I smelt the vile liquid inside, it made my stomach turn, maybe if I just had one drink I would feel better
I put the bottle to my mouth as my tears started to fall, I took a small drink from the bottle, the vodka burning my throat as it went down, I wiped my mouth with back of my hand, I dropped the bottle to the floor now, crying uncontrollably sliding off the chair to the floor, I curled myself into a ball and just lay sobbing
The next morning I woke up next to the bottle, I looked round the room panicking, I quickly picked the bottle up and hid in a cupboard and waited for Daisy to get out of bed, my head pounding, I dropped Daisy at school and returned home
As I opened the door to the house I saw Harry's bags in the hallway, I shut the door apprehensively, he shouldn't be back till tomorrow, I walked into the living room and he stood looking amazing even after a long flight, "I wasn't expecting you back till tomorrow" I said, "Obviously" as he pulled the half empty bottle of vodka from behind him, he walked up to me holding the bottle and thrust it at me, "You might want to kill yourself Lily, but you will not kill my child" he shouted in my face, "I didn't drink it, Ok I had one drink, but I dropped the bottle, I didn't drink all that, I swear to you" I cried back at him, he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me into the hallway infront of a full length mirror, "Look in the mirror, fucking look" he turned me so I could see, "Look at your stomach, that is a baby, our baby, it didn't ask to be here but it is, LOOK AT YOURSELF" he grabbed my head now to look at myself, he held my head in his hands
I looked in the mirror and saw my stomach, I looked at Harry's face who I was hurting so much, "Lily please stop this, I beg you" he pleaded, I broke down now and dropped to my knees, Harry got down the floor next to me and held me to him, "I'm here, let me in please" he said, "I don't know what to do? I promise you I had one little drink out of that bottle" he stroked my head, "We will sort it out" he whispered into ear, kissing my head
A few days later I was going for an ultrasound scan, I had seen my councillor, she was helping me again now, but the urge for the alcohol was still hanging round my head
We arrived at the clinic, my hands were shaking I was so nervous, I could see the excitement in Harry's face, I lay down on the bed looking at the ceiling, "Mrs Styles, this gel is a little bit cold" she smiled as she squirted my stomach with it, she moved the instrument on my stomach, Harry grabbed my hand, I saw his face light up at the picture on the screen, "Lily, look" he urged, "No I'm fine" his face dropped, "Please just look" he asked me, the lady frowning at us, I turned my head and saw our child moving about, I felt nothing for this innocent baby, "Yeah it's great" Harry smiled now, I knew then I would just have to look interested just to make him happy
"Would you like to know the sex?" The nurse asked, "Yeah I would" Harry said, "Whatever, yes" I raised a small smile, "Well it's a little girl" Harry smiled so wide, "oh god Daisy will be upset" he said to me, I smiled, just wanting to get out of this place, we were given some pictures to take home, Harry was like a small child in a sweet shop, he couldn't wait to get Daisy from school
That night I lay in the bath watching my stomach moving around, why couldn't I bond with my baby? Harry knocked on door and came in, "Woah look at her go" he said as watched my stomach moving in the water, he kneeled at the side of the bath, touching my stomach & smiling, "Everything will be perfect Lily" he kissed my forehead
If only I had shared Harry's outlook yes it probably would have been perfect, we lay in bed and Harry had his phone pointing at me, "Smile Lily" he said laughing, "Harry don't please" I asked nicely, "Oh go one just one picture" he held the phone up again, "Harry I said no" snatching the phone off him and throwing it at the wall, his face dropped, "What's wrong with you? I was just joking about" he said sounding upset, "I said no and you carried on, I don't want you taking pictures of me when I'm fat & ugly" he moved over the bed to me, "But your not fat and ugly, you are beautiful" he pulled my face round to him, "Please stop this now Lily, I know how hard this is for you, but trust me you look amazing" I closed my eyes as he kissed me
Harry tried to touch me, "Please don't" I whispered, "Why?" He asked, "I don't want you too" he got up of the bed his erection so visible, he picked his phone up and just walked out of the room
I was pushing him away bit by bit, I didn't want too but I couldn't stop myself.....
