Lessons Of A Quiet Girl

Best Left In The Past

We all end up hearing it at some point, in one way or another. "The past is best left in the past". A statement commonly made to tell us to let go of the bad things that have happened, and to move on. I find it kind of funny that everyone tries to apply that only to the bad things, only when you're feeling angry or sad. No one ever says it about the good things. "You had a great time at the wedding? That's fantastic, Linda! But, don't forget to leave the past in the past!" 

I get it, I do. The idea is to leave the bad that's happened in your life behind you, in the past, and to move forward with the good. It's easy to want to just leave all the negative things behind you and never look back. But the truth of the matter is that without those experiences, you just wouldn't be you. Every experience we've had has shaped us, molded us into who we are. They have made us stronger, more adaptable, resilient, versatile, more sensitive, less sensitive. Those bad experiences have brought out some amazing qualities in us. They've taught us so many lessons, albeit hard learned. 

Learning the more positive qualities, for a lot of people, is more of a conscious choice. Learning to leave the bad memories behind, relearning how to enjoy things more thoroughly, maybe they even give you a whole new lease on life, and they teach you that every day, every moment is precious and not to be wasted, because life is short. I mean, it's the longest thing you'll ever do, but can you do everything you want to do in that time? Especially since you never truly know when it will end?

I've recently come to a point where there are things that I've tried to leave in the past, but I just can't anymore. As much as I try to understand it, to accept it, there was just no reason for them to happen the way that they did. A statement from one person about another, lead to some really stupid spiral and things spinning out of control. And where I should have been seeking answers and resolutions, I just accepted this as how life goes, and tried to move on.  For years I did. I left everything about it behind, went so far as to (accidentally) block it out, just so that I could keep on keeping on.

The hardest part about all of it to accept and move past at this point, is how the people closest to me at that time, never really saw it for what it was. I'm not sure if they simply didn't see it for what it was, if they were so concerned about themselves that they couldn't be bothered to care, or if they saw me moving forward like I do and just took it at face value. I don't want to find these answers, I have to. I have to voice my opinions, get that bottled up rage out at the right people, instead of keeping it inside and letting it seep out at the wrong people, the innocent bystanders.

In a way, I'm glad that everything happened the way that it did. The whole kit and caboodle. I've learned a lot from this experience, prolonged though it has been. I've learned who is truly there for me, because I didn't leave all of them in the past; I've learned that despite what people may think or say, I'm just fine deep down beneath all the hurt and the rage, because if I wasn't, I wouldn't have made it this far; I've figured out who I really am, and I'm proud of it. I've learned how to be happy, even when life gives you rocks wrapped in lemon peels. I've realized that I never want to stop learning, to stop growing, to stop bettering myself, because that's such an integral part of who I am. 

I've had a lot of time to grow and mature, because I forced it on myself, more so due to the circumstances. I never let myself completely let go of my fun side, my weirdness. 

I do accept a lot of the responsibility as my own. I accept that I am the one who chose to feel trapped and to become docile and keep the peace, rather than fighting for my rights and the rights of others. I accept responsibility for the fact that I let others make decisions for my life, instead of going against them and living my own damn life. I accept responsibility for the fact that I didn't deal with all those emotions when I should have, years ago. I accept responsibility for my choices, the ones in the past as well as the ones that are yet to come.

I wouldn't change anything though, not really. Maybe I would make some choices earlier, but that's about it. Chose to fight harder, walk away sooner; but never give up the experience entirely. This is how we learn, through trial and error. It's Life 101. Everything that happens to us teaches us something, usually how to deal, or what not to accept in the future.

My point is, some things are best left in the past. But it's up to you to determine which things those are, no one elses. If they are up to someone else, then that is between you and them. If they decide it is best left in the past, accept it for what it is: Closure. Closure isn't necessarily understanding something, it's merely the act of truly accepting it.