Lessons Of A Quiet Girl

I Hope I Taught Him Something

In this time, I've had a lot of opportunity to reflect on myself. Ways that I've changed. Comparing some aspects as growth versus decline. Things I used to like about myself that I feel now have been lost or hidden away. Picking which parts of this 'new me' I want to keep, and which to discard.

But it's really made me wonder what I'm leaving him with. I hope he has or will take the time to reflect on the years we've spent together, and how he himself has changed. I hope he sees from his own mind why it wasn't working.

I hope that he learned many things from our time together, I hope he looks back on it and chooses to grow with the lessons this time together has taught us both.

I hope he learns that we depended too much on each other. That it made us childish and lazy. That the game of who can out-stubborn who is a terrible game to play. That ultimately we stopped working as a team.

I hope he learns to love himself more than someone else can. A good relationship cannot last on people only loving the other person more. It cannot work when you are both having a bad day, but all of the attention needs to be focused solely on one person. It should never come down to "who's had the worse day, who gets the pity".

I hope he learns to vent his frustrations, rather than keeping them in. Every relationship needs good communication. Trying not to burden me with his problems made me feel secluded from a good portion of his life, even if it was just work. But it was still a life I wanted to be included in. And venting is healthy. If your partner can't handle your bitch-session, what are they going to do when you have a real fight?

I hope he learns to get out. Memories are made from experiences. I feel for those people who fondly remember how every Friday night they would sit together as a family and watch the Simpsons together, and it's the highlight of their memories. It's a great memory to have, absolutely, don't get me wrong. Any regular family bonding time is an amazing memory to have. But after a while it does get repetitive and boring for some. But doing something adventurous or out of the norm, is a very powerful memory to have. And it stands out.

I hope he remembers to never go to bed mad. It's unhealthy in so many ways, and going to bed angry can allow your subconscious to dwell on it all night while you sleep. It can cause undue tension the next morning, slamming coffee mugs and dishes. And then it just builds all over again.

I hope he learned to use logic, even when emotions are running rampant. We would fight sometimes, just before bed. Usually when I had the next day off, or didn't work until late the next day. So I would come out of the bedroom, still angry, and tell him to go sleep in the bed, because he had work in the morning, and it was bad enough that we were fighting and angry with each other; he didn't need to have a crappy sleep and a crappy day at work the next morning. This was usually what ended our stupid argument, and would usually result in us making up. Because even if he would take the bed, it was never more than an hour of tossing and turning that he would come back out and ask me to return to bed, because now he couldn't sleep.

I hope he learns that "Are we good?" is never an apology. Admitting when you are wrong, or have done wrong, is a huge step for many people to overcome. If you don't want to have to admit to being wrong, don't go into the fight without facts to back you up, so that you aren't.

I hope he learns to lower his standards. Or date a psychic. Communication is such a vital part of any relationship, I cannot stress this enough. It doesn't have to be about feelings all the time, it can be about anything. It's really difficult to be in a relationship with someone where you have to pry all the time, just to get basic information. And if you can't open up to someone, to just let your thoughts flow through, how are they ever really going to get to know you?

I hope he learns to trust. Because honesty, loyalty and respect can only go so far without trust. I was always honest, loyal and as respectful; as someone as sarcastic as I am can manage to be. Sure, we would poke fun at each other, but not out of disrespect. Only out of humour. But no matter how loyal or honest I was, I could never truly earn his trust. And honestly, it was the straw that broke the camels back.

Now I just feel like training wheels that are no longer useful. I truly hope he learns these things. I hope he learns to ride free, letting the wind take all his worries and inhibitions with it. Leaving them behind him, where they belong. I believe he will be much happier then.