Lessons Of A Quiet Girl

You Don't Know Me

When we are hurting, we tend to project those negative feelings onto those around us. We seek shelter with those who are closest to us, because we want to feel loved, we want to feel like we matter. And it's in those moments that you realize how little they do know you. There's a very real possibility that you may feel like they are selfish individuals, or that they never really cared.

You may feel that you just spent a good portion of your life with someone, and they don't know who are really are. Sure, they can list off multiple facts about you: your favourite colour, movie, food; all these superficial things. And you may get into a fight with this person, and just stare at them in disbelief as it dawns on you. "It's like you don't even know me." And of course, it's their fault, right?

Not to shift the blame, but to shine a light on the situation here. Did you ever really let them know you? Did you ever really, truly bare your feelings to them, letting them know what you were feeling in the deepest confines of your soul? Did you ever really let them know what you were thinking, or did you cover it up with something else that they would more easily accept? 

I'm sure we've all had those conversations. "What are you thinking about? You seem troubled." 

"I was just thinking about (insert trivial, mundane excuse here.)" Or, my personal favourite "Nothing, I'm just tired." Sure, maybe you were thinking about that, too. But it wasnt what was really bothering you, was it? Because you were afraid of how they might react if you said "I was thinking about the circle of life. How all life is perpetuated by death. I was thinking about how odd it is that you can't have life without death, and yet so many people are afraid of death. How profoundly sad would it be if nothing ever died, and therefore nothing new ever came to be? I mean, just look at the change of the seasons. Autumn comes, and everything dies so that new life can come in the spring. How leaves die and fall from the trees, becoming food for the insects, who convert that death into soil, the very basis of new life come spring."

Because maybe, just maybe, they would think you are completely off your rocker. Maybe they would look at you like you just grew a new head. Maybe these thoughts are best kept to yourself.

And when we do that, when we don't bare our deep, intimate to our soul thoughts, we don't really let someone in. But there's always another side to it, isn't there? Maybe you do let them in, and they do react like you've grown another head. Are you ever going to feel comfortable enough with this person to really, truly bare your deepest, most raw emotions? No. Because then you are worried about how they will treat those. That they might tell you that you are wrong for thinking or feeling the way that you do. That they might try to make you feel badly for feeling those things. 

So, we share with them the safe things. We don't let them get to know that intimate side of us, that most authentic self. Because if they only knew your deepest thoughts, they would leave, too, wouldn't they? And you don't want to be alone, not really. It's not the same as putting on a show, it's not a true manipulation. It's a selective display of who you honestly are.

Want to really get to know a person? Ask them why. About anything they love or truly hate.
"Why do you love that painting?" "What is it about that song that really calls to you? Is it the lyrics, the beat, the way the two come together?" "What is it that you find so irresistible about that book/TV series? You can't seem to stay away." There's more to it than that, but a lady does not reveal all of her secrets.

The difference between a selective display of your true self and manipulation is that manipulation is done just to fool someone. Manipulations can be done for several reasons. The most notorious is betrayal. According to Miririam-Webster to betray is defined as follows: Transitive verb; to lead astray; to deliver to an enemy by treachery . Doing something just so that you can cause someone else pain or grief. But there are other reasons, maybe you are manipulating someone because you are trying to be someone that you aren't, trying to change who you truly are. Maybe you are trying to hide out from some pain or danger, and feel like changing who you are is the only way to do that.

Try thinking of it like this. We are playdough. We can twist and mold ourselves into all kinds of different shapes, we're very versatile like that. But it doesn't change who we truly are. Our composite make up is still very much the same.