Lessons Of A Quiet Girl

Maybe It's Not People Pleasing...

As I'm sitting here, daydreaming, I started pondering.

You see, I thoroughly enjoy relationships. I do. It's something where I constantly strive to make another person happy. And the more serious the relationship becomes, the stronger the bond I feel with that person, the more time I want to spend time with them, doing the things that they like. It can get really frustrating, because eventually someone always asks me what I want to do, and the honest answers are always the same, I don't know - because I really don't, I haven't thought about it in so long; and whatever you want to do.

This really got me thinking about why I do this. I mean, it really does bring me great joy, but why am I always putting myself off? When I want to spend time alone, I know exactly what I want to do. It usually involves a hot bath and a book; or hot cup of tea and a book; or a ridiculously soft blanket and, you guessed it, a book. What are my hobbies? Mostly reading. Reading and procrastination. :-) I know what I want to do when I'm alone, by myself. I want to enjoy the silence outside of my head, because inside is a buzz with activity.

So, naturally, when someone asks me what I want to do, the authentic answers are 'I don't know' or 'whatever you want to do'. It's never that I can't quite decide, because that would mean I am conflicted between multiple things.

The truth is, I want to do whatever you want to do. I want to see your face light up with joy as you share these things with me. You've likely seen it on someones face, and it's engraved on your mind forever. The way that their face lights up sharing an experience that they love with you, how they look at you constantly with their eyes dancing with excitement, checking to see if you are enjoying the experience as much as they do; inadvertently seeking your approval on it. I love that look, I love to see people come alive like that, to have them share these moments with me, to share those looks. The face splitting smiles, the way their eyes come alive, how they get fidgety and can't stay still. It's exhilarating. 

I want you to share your world with me, to see things from your point of view. I want to see your reactions to things that you love, more than things that you hate. Maybe I don't have a lot of interests of my own, but that's ok. I have a whole life to learn what I like and don't like. I only have the time spent with you to observe what makes you tick, because you are fascinating.

Maybe it's not people pleasing. Maybe it's just an open minded nature, a love of learning and observation. 

I was talking with someone last night, and he just kept talking, and he wouldn't shut up. And I loved it. Every second of it. To hear the rise and fall of his voice as he talked about things that got him excited, things he was passionate about, things that fascinated him. To hear how the humour in his voice started out small, to hear the minute changes in his voice depending on if he was smiling or frowning; and I could hear it in his voice, even though I couldn't see him.

Maybe it's not people pleasing. Maybe it's selfishly feeding my own psychological fetishes. An addiction to reading people. An addiction to learning; observing.

People pleasing is how I've come to find all of my favourite activities. It's how I've met some amazing people, because I left my house when all I wanted to do was stay in, curled up on my couch with a hot cup of tea and good book. It's how I've made memories with people, because someone I cared about 'dragged' me out of my house ("Hey, Candice, let's hang out!"), and travelled out of my comfort zones to try something new.

I'm not a girly-girl by today's standards. I can figure out contouring, but I can't be bothered to do it. I don't know how to use those egg things for concealer. Give me my mascara, maybe some eyeliner depending on my mood, and I'm good to go, by my standards. Mascara is essential, everyone needs eye lashes. Everything else is optional. That being said, when my good friend calls me up and tells me she wants to play barbie with me, I let her. Because she loves to do it. She becomes a crazy whirlwind of activity, she gets carried away. A haircut is almost never just a hair cut. A haircut becomes a cut, style, makeover and a photoshoot, because she loves having that creation at her fingertips.Because she is so pleased with her work that she wants to document it, perfectly. She loves to spend her time making others look amazing, and she is amazing at it. I don't like her fretting over me like that, but I love seeing her passion come out. I love artists, because when they get passionate, you get to physically see the world the way they do. No holds barred. I get to see how she can take me from pretty to absolutely stunning.

It's casually intimate to watch someone do something that they are passionate about, to see how they react when something isn't going exactly the way they want it to, the determination etched on their face as they mold the stubborn bastard to their will, to see that perfectionist come out. The way their whole face lights up when something is coming together exactly right.

This is my version of people watching, this is how I do it. If I am going to people watch, it's going to shake me to my core. I absolutely adore going along for the ride, of having people share these experiences with me.

In turn, I do still love to share my passions with those closest to me. My family and a very few select close friends. Because I trust them enough to try it, and think they may actually enjoy it. These people are important enough to me for me to allow them to see the things that elicit those same responses and reactions in myself, as I share these activities with the and watch to see if their faces become alight with the thrill of trying something new, of overcoming something they thought would be a challenge. 

So, maybe it's not people pleasing. Maybe it's selfishly feeding my own addiction. Maybe it's a love of observation. Maybe it actually counts as a hobby.