Lessons Of A Quiet Girl

Finding Myself

This has been an entirely new experience for me. I've spent a lot of time changing into somebody else to make someone else happy. I've spent a good portion of my life trying to make other people happy. In so doing, I found a lot of things that I really enjoyed, things that fascinated me. But then, I started changing, trying to be what someone else wanted me to be, and I slowly started putting those sides of me aside, because it didn't make that person happy or they made me feel stupid because I was less informed than they were.

I had to spend two days in a car with no cell phone and no internet. My connection with the outside world was gone. I got to do some writing and I got a lot of uninterrupted time to just think. And I realized how much of myself I let go for someone else. See, the thing is, I have trouble nailing down just one thing that I'm passionate about. I'm flighty and my interests change rapidly. But there are some things I'll always love, that I have always loved. And two days in a car with no contact with anyone gives you a lot of time to realize a lot of things, if you're looking for them.

Through my writing, I get to rediscover myself all the time. I get to discover things that deep down I truly enjoy, always have. In two days, in a hot, cramped space and I got to remember who I was. I'm not completely lost anymore. 

It was an eye opener, for sure. I was writing my novellas, and I remembered how much I love music, how much it means to me, how some of it speaks to the very depths of my soul. My mp3 player is never far away.

 I remembered my love for old cars, how I find them so beautiful and fascinating. They don't make cars like they used to. I'm making plans with myself to go to a car show. Because I can.

I remembered how much I love to travel, like really travel. I've been going on all kinds of adventures, seeing places I've never seen up close. And it's been amazing.

 I remembered my heartache, my pain. The exact way it felt at the time. I've been coping, I hope. 

I'm getting myself back. And guess what? I'm fucking awesome. I love me. I'm a better person for not being confined to someone elses idea of what I should be. I'm a better person for not feeling like being me is too much for someone else. I'm a better person for not having to watch my every move, for not having to consider how my natural words and actions make others feel. I'm a better person for not having to worry about if I'm acting as though I'm over compensating if someone has had a rough day, because I can be accepted for just wanting to make someone else's day better. 

I got to realize that I am the best version of myself just being able to be me. I'm motivated, creative, energetic, lively. And thats just me. And thats ok. It's better than ok; it's absolutely amazing.