Lessons Of A Quiet Girl

What He Taught Me

So. Earlier this year I ended a nine year relationship. A lot of people didn't really get it, but they accepted it. It was my choice, and I wasn't running around bad mouthing him. I would answer their questions within reason, never passing the buck or shaming. And I never will.

The fact of the matter is, we weren't good together when it counted. The give and take was there while things were good, but they hadn't been good in a long time. Maybe I was scared to be alone, that he was the only one who would want me; or maybe it was my stubborn nature trying to force things that weren't meant to be. I'm don't know, and I don't care anymore. What's done is done, and there are lessons to be learned.

He taught me what it felt like to not be good enough, ever. I would remember him saying that he really liked something, or would one day really like to own something. And if I had the money, or if an occasion that required gifts came up, I would look high and low to find something pleasing. One time I sought out a colour coded cutting board and knife set. I looked high and low, spent more than I'd like to, and quite pleased with myself, gave it to him. But it wasn't good enough. He was actually upset with me, because through all of that extra time and effort, they weren't glass, so he hated them. I didn't go looking for more, he got what he got, and if it wasn't good enough for him, then that was his problem. But I didn't give up.

There was another such occasion where I spent hours upon hours looking for a great gift for him within my price range, again I spent more than I should have. I even brought a close friend of ours with me, to get some feedback. We found something great that went very well with the video game he was addicted to. It was the same kind of weapon that his character used. This was wonderful! Paying too much for it, I eagerly got home and wrapped it, waiting for Christmas Day so the could open it. It was really hard. Again, it wasn't good enough. How could I not possibly know that he only chose that character so that he could get into dungeons faster? It's still sitting in the box, stuffed in the back of the closet.

Apparently the thought doesn't count. He gets gift certificates now. 8 years of trying to make him happy at that point, and nothing ever felt good enough.

He taught me to be more independent, how horrible it felt to feel dependent on someone else for my own happiness. I would frequently refuse to go out when I really wanted to, because I knew it would just end up in a fight, fueled by his jealousy. I would stay in from simple adventures like going on hikes, because he didn't want to go, and I wanted to do it with him. I wanted to make memories with him, but ultimately he wasn't interested. Back to the jealousy. It wasn't so bad that if a regular from work recognized me in the mall that it would spark an instant argument. But it did lead to it's share of fights. 

More than once I was accused of cheating on him. When he thought I had the time, I'll never know. One such fight happened when I came home from work and some sesame seeds had fallen into my shirt during my shift. I didn't think anything of it at the time, as the bagels that they had come off of were being kept above my head. But to him it was a clear indicator that I had been cheating on him instead of working. Uh....ok. Because I get off on sesame seeds, they're so hot.

Another time I had gone to my friends house and helped her do a deep cleaning, moving furniture and going through boxes, reorganizing cupboards and decluttering. When I went to leave her house, I put my sweater on as I normally do, and I didn't bother to pull my ponytail out of it. This caused a fight. This obviously meant that I was cheating on him, because he was it as a sign that I was in a rush to leave. Honestly, though. I was going from a house, to a car, to a house. The hair between my shirt and my sweater did not bother me in the slightest, so I felt no need to remove it. Simple as that.

He taught me that I need to open up more. I have my likes and dislikes, but they are mine. I don't feel the need to parade them around. However, I have an endless supply of Nightmare Before Christmas themed items, because apparently that's the only thing I openly like. I'm not even kidding. I have got a Jack blanket and pillow. TNBC themed Yahtzee and Clue. A clock. A poster. Stuffies. Honestly, I feel like someone obsessed when it comes to gifts.

Never mind my other hobbies and interests. It's all about Jack with me, apparently. Maybe I didn't need to open up more, maybe he just stopped paying attention. It doesn't matter, not really.

He taught me what it feels like to be used. I'm not saying that his sole interest in this relationship was to use me. But I'll be damned if it didn't feel like it sometimes. Yes, I did volunteer to take up the blunt of the financial situation so he could focus on debt repayment. This should have taken approximately three years. He still has debt. Not as much, mind you, there has been headway. But after nine years, he still has a good portion of his original debt. While I was paying all the household bills and did the majority of the grocery shopping. While I was providing for the family. I have to wonder briefly where that money went, since he made more than I did. So, yes, I felt used. But, to be fair, I did it to myself. I didn't question enough, and I could talk myself into believing that it worked out to be about equal. I know that was wrong, but I did it anyways.

He taught me to chose my battles, even more carefully. Because some things just aren't worth fighting over. Like money. Given what I know now, I would battle for memories long before I would battle for money. 

He taught me what it meant to feel unwanted. There was a time that he not only didn't want to spend time with me as a person, but always wanted nothing to do with me physically. Yes, sexually. For several months, I would work and tend to the children and do the cooking and cleaning, to almost have my existence ignored. I would stay up far later than I should have, hoping to get some personal time with him, to eventually give up and go to bed. There were a couple of times when I would make advances on him, because maybe he just wanted me to take charge. He would shut me down, everytime. I would go to bed, already feeling poorly. I would toss and turn for a long time before going to the kitchen to get a drink, to walk into the living room on why I was being rejected. It would have been easier if he was cheating on me. It was heartbreaking when I woke up on my birthday for all the notifications to pop up on the computer from all the videos he had spent the night downloading.

He taught me that people do change. Sometimes it's for the better, and they grow. Other times, it's not.

But through all of this, he taught me something else.

He taught me that I can still be loved, and I still deserve to be loved. Even if he couldn't. Maybe I'm wrong, and maybe I can't be loved, or maybe I don't deserve it. And do you know what? I'm ok with that, too. Because if it came down to it again, having someone convince themselves that they love me, or being alone? I will always choose to be alone.

These are facts from the relationship that I won't share with many people when asked, especially not his friends. Because it's not their business. And it would be pointless, because he would just deny it, or call me a liar, or he would delude himself into believing it never happened. I'm not saying he's a bad person, because in all that time he would still make the time to help his friends at the drop of a hat. He would still make arrangements to drive eight hours just to take someone to the airport so that they could save some money. He just wasn't good for me.