Moving On

Chapter 24

A day like this should be a happy day for someone as young as I am. I'm just surprised that I've lived a whole seventeen years. Sadly, there's a large amount of people that wouldn't even be able to say they made it to seventeen. This world can be thought of as various things, and cruel sure is one of them.

Sometimes when I think about my life, I think about it with tears in my eyes and a deep ache in my chest. It's a real sad thing when a person's bad memories outweigh their good ones.

My bad memories and times definitely outweigh the little good ones. There's no doubting that.

Throughout my life, there have been plenty of fucked up things that's happened. Shit started before I could even open my fuckin' eyes. I was sick for like the first few months of my life. In that time my mother didn't give a damn about me. All she cared about was getting her pussy fucked and her mouth filled. That cruel ass bitch looked her own baby girl in her face and she was still able to easily walk away from me. What kind of mother is that?! She knew that I would possibly be in danger with my dad, but she didn't give a fuck. All she ever cared about was her damn self. And as a result it's her children who hurt. It's Katherine who doesn't know who her father is. It's Taylor who used to blame herself for the family breaking up. It's me that's laying in a fucking hospital bed just waiting to figure out if I'm going to Kathleen's house or a fucking nut house.

Kathleen wants to apologize and claims she's sorry for neglecting me, but I don't think she realizes how much power that word and action has behind it. I could not ever imagine neglecting my child. Never. It already damn near killed me to lose my first child, so if I would ever be able to have a child I would never hurt him or her intentionally. I would never want my child to feel the pain and hurt that I had to feel. I would always wonder what was wrong with me. Why was I being raised by daddy and the help. Why wasn't I being raised by mommy and daddy? Other kids around me had their mommy and daddy. I guess I started liking Taylor so much because I used to be like her. I would blame myself for everything. I would blame myself for the reason Kathleen left me, and I'd blame myself for the reason that my dad would be gone all night.

My dad. Damn. I don't think I'll ever be able to get over the fact that he's gone. I regret so much when it comes to him. He was such a rare man. A man that's gonna take care of a kid that he knows probably wasn't his? Now that's just straight up unheard of. I couldn't imagine it, but he did it. He clearly wasn't the nicest or the kindest man, but he was perfect to and for me. I regret not telling him how much I appreciate him. I regret not thanking him for everything he did for me. I regret yelling at him and treating him badly when I knew I needed him the most. I regret not... being as truthful with him as he was with me.

I grew up to be this carefree child who had a huge heart and lots of love for everyone. I was just naturally nice to everyone. I was nice, friendly, and I had this wacky ass idea that others were the same way. Well I was fucking wrong. Ted. That muthafucka. I seriously don't understand how a grown ass man can lust after a fucking child! I don't get it. I thought all the times he rubbed my knee and told me he loved me were innocent. I had no idea what that fucking psychopath had in store. He looked me in my fucking eyes and he shoved his... He... Sometimes I still have a hard time believing that he'd do something like that to me.

His lie for why I was so banged up was that I fell off the trampoline. Even though my dad damn near beat him senseless, he only got a tiny bit of what he deserved. Now thinking back, my dad jumped on Ted as soon as he saw how I was. I kinda wonder if my dad saw through my lies. I wonder if he knew. I remember him saying how mad he was that Ted would allow me to get hurt. I don't know. Maybe he really didn't figure it out. Although I was extremely hurt that day, that was a day that my love grew even stronger for my dad. That was the day that I truly knew that his love alone was all I ever really needed. He was all that I really needed.