Losing All Control

Chapter 15

All weekend I avoided Cameron’s calls and texts, I just couldn’t face up to him. I tried to, I did, but every time I tried to talk to him I felt word vomit coming up and almost spilled everything. Did I really need to tell him? We weren’t ‘official’… yet, I still felt like I had cheated on him.

I decided I had to talk to Taylor and figure out what had happened, if it was some drunken mistake, or something more…

On Monday when he walked by I grabbed his arm and pulled him into our usual closet. “What?” he asked pissed, glaring at me.

“I wanted to talk about the other night, you know, at the party…” I shuffled on my feet awkwardly.

“What’s there to talk about.” He said shortly.

Now I was starting to get pissed, “Look, I’m sick and tired of your fucking attitude. What the fuck happened Friday night?”

He laughed bitterly, “You don’t remember? We hooked up.”

I sighed, “I know that, but what did you mean when you said you wanted me?”

“First of all, I never said that. I said I didn’t want the other girls at our school. And second of all, why the fuck does it matter anyway? Aren’t you with Cameron now?” He put his hands in his pockets; he seemed to do that a lot when he was angry. Too bad for me it was kind of sexy.

“Cameron and I aren’t official or anything.”

“Then what’s the problem.”

“What’s the problem?! The problem is I have feeling for your best friend and I hooked up with you.” I yelled.

He shrugged, “Do you have feelings for me.”

“No,” I answered sounding sure. Too bad I didn’t feel it.

He nodded, “Then don’t tell him. Pretty simple.”

“So that’s it, were just not going to tell him?” I asked.

“If it didn’t mean anything to you, then yeah.”

I hesitated, and then finally managed to squeak out, “It didn’t mean anything to me.”

Taylor noticed my hesitation and pushed me up against the wall and started kissing me. There wasn’t any hesitation this time; I immediately started kissing him back. The kiss made my head spin, it was rough and fiery.

Too my surprise it was Taylor who pulled away first. He took a step back and said, “Don’t tell Cameron. You two deserve to be happy together.” Then he turned and left the closet, leaving me frazzled.

I slid down the wall and felt a couple of tears escape my eyes. Great. I definitely had feelings for Cameron, but now apparently I kinda-sorta had feelings for his best friend too.

I sat there and wallowed in self-pity for a little while, and then I thought: what the hell am I doing? Why was I even bothering with Taylor? He was an egotistical asshole with major mood swings. I needed to work things out with my almost-boyfriend Cameron, who didn’t know that we needed to work things out. But did that mean I had to tell him I hooked up with Taylor? Twice…

After thinking about it for a while, I decided against it. I didn’t need to hurt Cameron like that. My mom had been through enough break-ups where her boyfriend had cheated on her, and those were always the worse. I vowed to never let that happen to myself, I just didn’t realize I was the one who would be doing the cheating.

So deciding to live with my guilt I finally left the closet and headed off to my first class. Yet again Taylor wasn’t sitting in his usual spot, it kind of hurt but I knew it was for the best. When classed ended I bolted and went to go find Cameron.

I finally found him standing at his locker talking to Matt. “Hey guys,” I said walking up to them.

Matt smiled at me, “Hey Carson! What’s up?”

I looked at him guiltily, “I actually need to talk to Cameron, you mind if I steal him away from you?”

Matt shrugged, “Whatever, I’ll see you guys later!” Then he patted Cameron on the back and left.

“Cameron…” I started, but he cut me off.

“Are you feeling better?” he asked, looking concerned.

I smiled; he was so sweet and caring. “Yeah, I am. A lot better actually. I just wanted to apologize about the other night and ignoring you all weekend, I just wasn’t in the best of moods.”

He tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear, “Don’t worry about it.” Then he reconsidered and shook his head, “Actually, no, that was unacceptable.” He teased, “You owe me.”

I laughed and pulled him closer to me so our noses were almost touching, “Ok, what do I owe you?”

He thought about it for a minute, “Come over after school today and hang out with me, just the two of us.”

I smiled, “I like that payment a lot.”

Then I lightly kissed him, and wondered what the hell I was thinking earlier with Taylor.