Trying Hard to Ignore You

"I forgive you."

I took Axel out to walk around the entire layover, and I made sure he went to the bathroom and I fed him and gave him water and made sure he went to the bathroom again.

I haven't cried yet. I listened to Taylor Swift the whole plane, and I Almost Do is my favorite.

I felt physically sick the whole ride, so when we touch down in Sydney, I couldn't he happier.

I know Emily and Mum will be there with Ethan and Kendall. They left a week ago.

I have an empty coffee cup with too much to carry, so I put my phone in the cup and get off the plane.

It's been more than twenty four hours and my phone doesn't start going off with cell service.

I file off the plane with everyone else, carrying my things.

I've been wanting to throw this bloody cup hour for hours, so at the first sight of a trash, I toss it in, spotting my family across the way.

I walk over there.

My body feels numb.

I can hardly raise my voice above a whisper. One thought of Spencer and I will start crying.

I miss him.

I walk up to them.

"Oh darling," Mum leans in to hug me. I put my hands up.

"Don't. I'm fragile. You hug me and I cry."

She looks so upset as she nods.

So nobody touches me, and they continue talking.

I think they're just going to act like I'm not as breakable as a china doll with a hammer being swung into it.

We get my baggage and get in the car, and I'm just silent the entire ride.

The moment we arrive at Mum's, I take Axel out.

He goes both ways, and I just go into the back and throw the ball with him.

Last time I threw a ball to a dog, it was Jax.

I close my eyes.

Don't start, Audrey.

I will away the tears and keep playing with him until he's tired, and then I bring him inside and feed him and let him roam.

They're all in the kitchen.

I just walk in there and sit down.

I reach for my purse to dig my phone out.

Maybe he tried to call me or something.

My phone isn't in here.

I check all my things, and then I remember I put my phone in the cup, and the cup in the trash.

With my phone inside of it.

I'm going to die of a broken heart.

They try to talk to me but my voice is low and I answer slowly, and it's like I literally can't talk any higher.

I stand up.

"I'm going to sleep." I mumble, walking slowly upstairs.

As I crawl in bed, I know I'm going to die alone.

I decide to be okay with that, I think, as I drift off to sleep.

Spencer

I hate myself.

I hate myself so much. I went back to her house the next morning and the door was locked, but the Jeep was there.