Trying Hard to Ignore You

My God

I didn't know where I was going.

I didn't know anything.

All I knew was that I needed to stop running. I needed to learn how to have good people in my life. I deserved that much, at least.

So I left the Jeep at Ethan's and a couple of boxes in Spencer's storage unit, and I left with a backpack of clothes.

I had thousands in my saving account, and I found myself traveling.

I visited London and Paris and Spain and Switzerland. I went back to California and stood in front of my old apartment for three hours.

I went to the airport I met Spencer at, and the airport he gave me the jacket at.

I went to all the places that I had memories with Ashton at.

I went to Australia and stayed with my Mum for a couple of months, and picked up some habits and skills.

Baking. It's something I had never really done before but something I love to do.

I stayed with Emily for a few weeks and taught her how to bake, too, and I went to Ethan's for a while and hung out there, and I felt better.

I felt like nothing was holding me back, but there was still a piece of me that was empty, and always has been, and I thought, well, maybe it's my father, so I found my way to Newburgh, New York in May, and I got the address from Mum, and went and sat on the swing on the porch to the house he grew up in. The owners allowed me.

And I felt full, with just a tiny hole left.

I found myself in the church, in Albany, the church my parents got married in.

And I sat there for hours talked to people who are members of the church, sat through four masses, and sat and talked to the pastor for three hours about my life.

And I felt whole.

I felt so whole.

I feel complete.

I realized I don't like being a pharmacist, so I enrolled in online classes for a business degree, and I got an AS in business, which told me only six months of sitting around at my Mum's in Australia, devoting all of my time and energy into that.

And when I got the degree, I went back to Florida, back to Sarasota, found a building that I liked, and bought it.

I left Spencer in October of last year, and now it's September.

It's been about a month that I've had my building and I've bought appliances, and now I have a new apartment, and it's a two bedroom, two bathroom.

It's finished and I'm fully moved in, and all that's left is to go to Spencer's and see if he really did wait for me, because there wasn't one moment where I didn't think of him.

It's soon on a Tuesday.

He's probably at work.

Should I go to his work?

I shake my head to myself.

Bad idea.

I decide to go to my soon-to-be bakery and see how it's going.

I have all the legal documents, the cost benefit analysis, the design...

It's all great.

Mum loves baking, and apparently, so did my Nana, and she gave me a dictionary-thick book the side of a textbook full of family recipes, and with her permission, I'm opening a bakery with the recipes.