The Kidnapper's Wife

66. After

I try as hard as I can not to picture Connor and Anna together like that. But it's hard not to. It's especially hard not to because I've done it so many times before. In the beginning, I didn't believe it. I tried to picture Connor even kissing Anna, and just could not imagine it. My Connor, those lips I had felt on my own, on a fourteen year old girl's? No.

But as the days dragged into weeks and Connor and Anna were undoubtedly somewhere alone together, it became hard for even my hopelessly optimistic mind to deny that there was something between them. And that was when the nightmares began. I'd wake up to images of Anna and Connor lying next to me in my own bed. When I thrashed beside myself at where Connor should have been, there was only empty air. That was when I started letting Ruby into my room at night.

Anyway, after so many months picturing the worst, hearing it confirmed doesn't make it any easier to take. I can't help but downturn my eyes.

"So, you and Anna started getting it on." I'm surprised at how cold and detached my voice sounds. "When did that start?"

"The end of the summer I think. It was before school had officially started. Back when we were having multiple long build sessions a day."

I can't help myself. I have to know everything. "And where did these little meet ups take place? Always in your office? Or..." I trail off, summoning all my courage to meet Connor's eyes. He knows what I'm really asking.

And now it's his turn not to meet mine. "Well uh, it started out that way. Just in the office."

"But?" I prompt him, sensing there's more.

"But then school started. Robotics club was only a couple times a week. And Anna wasn't satisfied with only seeing me for a few minutes before and after practice. She asked me to tutor her on the days we didn't have practice."

"And I'm guessing there was no actual tutoring involved?"

"There was some. But mostly, no. We would talk a lot. Just about life. Her family. My childhood. But that's when Anna started coming over to our house for me to tutor her, as I'm sure you recall."

I do, but I don't say anything. Connor just said he talked to Anna about his childhood. Did he mean his real childhood, the one in Kentucky? The one he never told me about? For some reason, the idea that he would confide in Anna what he never confided in me hurts more than anything in this conversation so far.

Connor is oblivious to my inner musings, prattling on, "When Anna started coming over for tutoring, obviously we started getting...physical there too. And I tried to keep it to my office. To the part of the house you didn't associate with Jade, I really did. But Anna had this fascination with our bedroom. Throughout the whole relationship, she had this intense hatred for you. It was like she thought that because I was cheating on you, it meant that you were a horrible person. Although now that I say that out loud I don't think that's what it was at all. In fact I can see now that it wasn't. What was really happening is that Anna could sense that I was fully in love with you and she didn't like the competition. So she took every chance she could to make the point that she was winning. And to Anna, the ultimate win would be to take over your bedroom."

I felt sick to my stomach. The first thing that I was doing when I got home was hauling the entire bed into my dad's truck and taking it to the dump. I would never sleep there again. I didn't know if I would ever even sleep in that room again. Great. Now there were two rooms in the house that were off limits to me. The master bedroom, and the....other bedroom. The one I hadn't touched since we'd painted it pale yellow with farm animals.

"So even though I tried to resist, one day she pulled me upstairs, and when I wouldn't go in, she got mad. She told me she wasn't a second choice. It was either her or you. And if I didn't go in there with her right then I was choosing you."

Connor laughs then, a humorless, cold sound that I've never heard before.

"If only she had known then....I had already chosen you. For me it would always be you Jade. For me it will always be you. But at the time, I needed her to think I loved her. So yes, to answer your question. Anna has been in your bed. In our bed."

I nod evenly, not showing his words affect me, and ignoring the ones about him choosing me altogether even though they make me want to scream. He has no right to say he chose me. I chose him. I did everything for him. I would never have hurt him. He pretended to choose me, and then destroyed my life. That's not choosing me. That's not love.

I decide to return to my earlier musings, in the interest of asking all of my questions. "You said you talked to Anna about your childhood. So that would be your years spent growing up in Kentucky?"

Connor flushes, and nods slowly, although he doesn't look surprised that I know. "I'm sorry Jade. It's not that I thought you couldn't handle it, it's just that I'm ashamed of my past. My parents didn't want me. I grew up an orphan. I made choices that...weren't smart. And obviously, I never outgrew that. When I met you, I wanted to be worthy of you. I wanted to be the perfect guy that you obviously thought I was. So I pretended."

"But with Anna you didn't have to pretend." I say point blanc.

"Anna hated her life. Her parents were incredibly strict, she was bullied at school, she struggled with classes. She wasn't perfect. Nothing like you. So I didn't care if she thought I was perfect. I didn't really care what she thought at all to be honest. I wanted her for one thing, and one purpose. That's how it's always been for me. I'm sure you know about the incident in Nashville by now. It was the same then. I pursued that girl because of what she looked like, not who she was."

It's getting harder to keep the disgust off my face, and I think Connor can tell because he changes track, "But when I met you Jade, it was different. When I met you, it was real. It wasn't about what you looked like. It was about who you were. You were perfect in every way. A genuinely good person. And I loved you."

He stops, and looks at me quietly, waiting for me to say something. I don't. Instead I come up with my next question.

"So how did you get her to run away with you?"