The Kidnapper's Wife

60. Before

He walked out of the house. He spun on his heel, and, still seething with a physical sort of anger, just left. He got back in his car, and drove away.

When he had gone, I walked over to the video recorder, and removed the SD card. I walked outside, down the street, to the little lake at the park. I sat on a bench fingering it. Then I threw it as hard as I could into the water, and let myself cry.

I cried for this unwanted baby, who could no doubt feel the torrent of negativity surrounding him or her. I cried for myself, and my dreams of a happy pregnancy. I cried for Connor, and his anger, and his fear.

And when I couldn't cry anymore, I stood up in the dark of the evening, and I walked home. I pulled a pint of ice cream out of the refrigerator and I ate the whole thing.

As I ate, I thought about what to do. I know I am having this baby. I decided that earlier, on my own and for myself. Nothing can separate my child and I now. So if it comes down to it, I will choose this baby over Connor. If he wants me to have an abortion, he will have to realize that it isn't happening. And if he can't get over that, then I will raise this baby on my own, just like Elizabeth did with Abby.

For a second, I forget the argument and the fight, and Connor, and imagine how excited my family will be at this news. Another baby. My parents have been pressuring Connor and I to get started on kids for ages. I know they'll be ecstatic on the thought of their second grandchild. And Elizabeth has told me she can't wait until I'm a mother so I can relate to everything she goes through with Abby. I can't wait to tell them.

But then reality hits me like a punch to the gut again, and I remember that first, I have to deal with Connor.

I try to wait up for him, watching Friends reruns on the couch, but as the clock ticks later and later, exhaustion gets the best of me and I fall asleep.

When I wake up, Connor is standing in front of me, shaking me gently.

"Jade." he whispers, and gone is the anger of before. Now, a sort of defeat engulfs him, and an apologetic air.

I blink, keeping my expression stony.

"Jade I am so sorry." he looks down, as if guilty. "I know I ruined everything. I know my reaction was horrible. I'm such an idiot."

He pauses, looking into my eyes earnestly, "I was just so scared. I don't feel ready to be a father. And it all happened so fast, I wasn't prepared. I know it's no excuse. I know I don't deserve you, this baby, or anything at all after how I acted. I know I scared you and I was mean and uncalled for. I hope you can find a way to forgive me. What can I do Jade? How can I fix this? I want you to know that of course I want a baby with you. I wasn't expecting it now, but I just needed time to adjust. The more I think about it, the more I realize how perfect this is. Like you said, we're settled down, married, and ready to support a child. This little girl or guy is going to be the best thing that ever happened to us. I see that now."

I consider him carefully, deciding if I should remain angry or not.

"Continue." I say simply.

"The way I spoke to you, and the things I said...I didn't mean them Jade, they just came out. I don't even know where they came from. I know you take your birth control as best you can. And you're right, I had options if I wanted to be sure too. It's not your fault this happened at all."

"And," he says quickly, obviously seeing my expression at the phrase, 'not your fault', "fault isn't even a factor because, this is a great thing that's happened. This is a blessing not a curse. I'm honored to be the father to your child."

I consider him carefully, trying to judge the sincerity in his words.

"Never." I say firmly, "Talk to me that way again. Ever."

"I promise, I won't. I should have just taken some time to cool down and adjust. I didn't think. I was so tired from work...."

"Those are excuses." I say, "If you ever speak to me that way again, myself and this baby will be out of your life faster than you can say 'goodbye.' Do you understand?"

"Yes."

I let my expression relax an ounce. "I want to do a photoshoot for this baby. And I want a baby shower. You can fix this, by setting up the best baby announcement photo shoot, and the best baby shower, that anyone in Frederick has ever seen."

He nods vigorously, like a student taking notes.

"Also. You are on dishes duty for the rest of my pregnancy."

A less enthusiastic nod. We both hate dishes.

"And." I try to think of anything else before I let him off the hook, "I get to name it."

"Woah!" he says, disagreement etched into his face, "That's not-"

"You gave up your right to name this baby earlier today with your reaction to him or her. These are my terms for moving on. Otherwise, you can stay in the dog house where you belong."

He hangs his head and finally nods, agreeing.

"Okay." I allow a small smile to take over my face.

"Now you can carry me to bed."