I LOVED YOU FIRST- an AU ft. GOT7 Yugyeom (xreader)

Chapter 9

I've said this before: I always entertain people when they chat me because you'll never know if they badly need a shoulder to cry on. I may not be depressive but I do have moments when I feel so tired of everything. I've been there from time to time and tonight, I returned.

I feel sick all day my mom I may not be able to go to school tomorrow. My mom works out of the country so I didn't want to worry her if the school calls to tell her I didn't go. I told her that I'll be fine after two days of rest or so but I feel like the world is spinning. I put my phone on speaker to hear her while I vomit on the bathroom. Maybe she couldn't hear me suffering so she told me to try to use my mind over matters. That I should go to school or else it will affect my future.

I know she thinks about my future and maybe I didn't tell her how bad I'm actually feeling. But as much as I want to understand, the feeling of self-pity overpowered me. It hurts to think that she cares about my future when I'm suffering at the present. What if I feel dizzy while crossing the street and meet an accident? What if I lose consciousness somewhere? You see, it's not just about physical health. We should constantly check for a person's emotional and mental health in order to make sure that they're okay.

So there I was, crying on the bathroom floor at two in the morning, feeling like the world is against me. Until my phone lights up.

My heart sinks when his chat head popped up. I almost forgot about Yugyeom. Right... he said he loves me. But what if just like my mom, he doesn't actually care for me like that?

I start sobbing. I can't go through each of my worries.

It's amusing how he can ask me straight up.

I cried like a baby upon reading that. What about him? He's asking me as if he will lose his purpose if I disappear. How will Yugyeom's life be without a stupid Y/N in it?

I love you with all of this fucked up heart's remains.

I'm tired. But your words are giving me strength. I don't know why but suddenly, nothing makes any sense. Why do I want to escape this world? I may not like myself but there's someone I'm willing to give all my love to. And here he is, asking me to stay.

I wanted to say thank you, that my love for him is my new anchor. That I decided to hold on because I love him and I told myself I must give him all the love I can before I go. But that's wrong. I don't want to tell him that I'd die without him because that will hurt us both. I hope someday I find it in myself to believe that pain ends and I can do this. But for now, I'll hold on to Kim Yugyeom.