Bleeding hearts

Chapter Twenty three

Addison's Pov 

I didn't know our hearts are able to break so many times, i know now that mine can, and as i sob and cry in my room i'm wondering how am i still alive? my lungs find it hard to draw air and my heart is cut too deep, so why the hell am i still alive?

Maybe i am dying, can someone die of heartbreak? i wish i can, i wish it was easy to to just want to die and for it to happen.

I wish i was dead, because i'm tired, i'm so, so very tired.

I lift my hand to my chest and feel the slow beating of my useless heart, maybe if it stopped beating i'll find peace.

I stand up and walk to my night stand and open the drawer and find what i'm looking for.

I walk to my desk where a bottle of beer is sitting, left there from yesterday, i take it with me and sit on the floor next to my bed.

I stare at the bottle of pain pills in one hand and the bottle of beer in the other then direct my gaze to the picture i laid on the floor in front of me .It's of me standing in a simple white summer dress and Chris in front of me, his arms around my waist, his forehead resting against mine, a small content smile playing on his lips as his eyes stared into mine with adoration. That night was the first time he said he love me, just two weeks after we started seeing each other.

I run my finger over the picture  and a shudder works its way through my body but no tears fall, i guess i reached my limit, there are no tears left in me to shed.

I don't even give it a second thought, i pour some of the pills in my mouth and then try to swallow. I pour a few too many so i end up spitting them back out in my hand. I relax my throat and then try it again. They go down this time , so i pour a few more and then swallow. I can't get but about three or four down at a time , so it takes me the entire beer to wash them all down.

I toss the empty beer bottle to the side then lift the picture to my chest as a smile breaks across my face.

I lay on the floor and close my eyes. I see Chris's face above mine, he grins down at me as he runs his finger down the  side of my face  making me shiver.

"I love how much you're affected by my touch"he murmurs and i sigh in happiness at the sound of his voice, i missed it too much

"why did you leave me?" i whisper 

He smiles a sad kind of smile"i never left, baby" he takes my hand in his and puts it palm down against my chest"i was always right here"

I lift my hand to his face "I love you"

His green eyes twinkle as he gazes down at me"I love you more"

I smile realizing he's playing an old game of ours "i love you more than more"

"i love you much more than more"

I huffed and he laughed, the sound like a caress to my body

"well, i love you to the moon and back"

"hmm, My love for you is bigger than the size of the galaxy"He smirks, knowing that he clearly won 

i close my eyes "not fair"

He doesn't answer so i open my eyes again and instead of Chris's green eyes, i find deep blue eyes staring down at me 

I blink"Dean?"

There's loud knocking and then Dean's voice shouts "Addison baby, please, open the door!"

I roll over and bring my knees to my chest and hug them. I squeeze my eyes shut and try not to let it all sink in.

Don't let it sink in!

The tears begin to slip out of my eyes, no matter how tightly i have them closed. My bottom lip begins to tremble more than my hands. 

I don't want to die.

I grip myself even tighter as more banging sound at the door, i can't leave Dean.

Dean!

"No, no, no, no, no" My voice is full of panic when the reality of what i've done begins to hit. If i lie here one second longer, i might not be able to do anything about it.

"Addison!" Dean's voice shouts

"Help!" i try to scream but my voice's too thick"help"

What have i done?

"she's crying for help" Someone says then the banging starts again this time louder

"Someone brings me a damn key"Dean shouts 

I'm not sure i can stand again, so i crawl but then see Chris sitting in front of me and i stop 

"help"

He smiles sadly"it's okay, everything's going to be okay"

Just then a loud crash sounds and Chris disappears 

Dean's face appears above mine looking shocked and scared 

"The bottle of pills is empty"Em's voice says from somewhere" Dean, she took them all"

Dean sits on the floor and pulls my body in his arms"no, no, no, no" he cries "baby, what did you do?"

"I'm sorry"my voice comes out scratchy and weak Before i stiffen then starts shivering, my arms and legs start giving these jerky movements that i can't control 

When it just fades to slight shivering i open my eyes. There's a face in front of me .

I try to concentrate on the shape, the colors, try to bring everything into focus but it's too difficult and suddenly i can't breathe, suddenly i feel like there are knives in my throat, holes punched into my lungs, and the more i blink, the less clearly i'm able to see. 

Soon i'm only able to take in the tightest breaths, tiny little gasps that remind me of when i was a kid, right after dad left, when the doctors told me i suffered from asthma attacks. They were wrong, though, my shortness of breath had nothing to do with asthma . It had to do with panic and anxiety and hyperventilation. 

But this feeling i'm feeling right now is very similar to what i experienced then. It's like trying to take in oxygen by breathing through the thinnest straw. Like your lungs are just closing up, gone for the holidays. I feel the dizziness take over, the light headed feeling take over.

Suddenly i'm blind, i blink and blink and blink in a desperate attempt to regain my vision. But i can see nothing but a haze of white. I hear nothing but the pounding in my eardrums and the short frantic gasps of my own breath.

Life is seeping out of me and all i can think about is Dean, how i'm not ready to leave him, how i can't imagine a place without him in it. And i wish to hear his voice for the very last time, to feel his touch and lips just one more time.

But maybe i am doing him a favor, he'll be better off without me .