Bleeding hearts

Chapter Twenty one

I was back at my apartment ,the two days i spent at mom's house were needed for me to calm down ,and not step into that dark hole i was in the first year after their death .

I did cry ,and sob and scream ,and managed to let it all out of my chest .But the one thing that kept me strong and holding was Dean ,he always crept into my thoughts and heart whenever i thought i couldn't take it anymore ,he kept me sane even though he was far away from me.

He called every second those past days and i never answered ,because every time i remembered his voice from that night i felt that stabbing pain of guilt for hurting him this bad in my grieving .

The apartment was empty as i walked in ,Em did text Ten minutes ago saying she and Logan are on their way back from her parent's place where they spend Thanksgiving 

My phone rang as i settled my bag on the floor of my room 

My chest ached when i saw who it was and answered quickly just to hear his voice 

"Hey "i breathed through the line 

there was silence on the other end then he spoke ,his voice gruff and husky "You picked up "

"I'm back ,i'm here at the apartment "i told him then took a deep breath "i missed you,i-i want to see you "

"I'm sorry ,i feel like an ass for the things i said to you ,i should've stayed with you that night ,i..." 

"It's okay "i cut him off 

"I just want to hold you "he breathed through the line "i missed you so much "

"we need to talk "i confessed 

There were things i needed to say ,things that wouldn't be easy .But after hours of going over every scenario in my head ,i felt this option was the best .

For both of us .

"Yeah ,we do "he said hesitantly .I could tell he was leery "I'm on my way "

"Okay "I wasn't sure it was the best option ,but having this conversation over the phone wouldn't work either .

Seeing him, though, would only make what i had to say so much harder .

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My stomach had been tense since the moment we hung up the phone .I didn't think it could get much worse but the moment he knocked on my door, i knew i was wrong .

With each passing second that passed ,his knocking grew more impatient .

I hurried toward the door and opened it just as he was about to knock again 

"Sorry ,i was just unpacking "

He instantly stepped into the room and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close. That strong sexy masculine scent of him, filling me and making it hard to concentrate on anything other than him.

Dean did make me slightly more alive, He did make me feel better. But I couldn't live in that little bubble.

"I'm so sorry, baby "he whispered, and it only made my chest tighten."you know the things i said weren't true, i was just angry and hurt "

I pushed back reluctantly, because all I really wanted to do was wrap my arms around him and forget about everything. I just knew I couldn't.

"What's wrong? " Dean asked, and by the worried expression on his face it almost made me forget about the things I needed to share.

"We need to talk "I said looking away from his eyes and focusing on his jaw instead. "I think I need some time to focus on me "I said, feeling as if the words were acid, making my throat burn.

"What are you talking about?" he said, slouching just enough to bring his eyes level with mine. He gave me no option other than to look at him when I explained further.

"I realized something over the last couple days " I said softly. "I still have so many things I need to work on, so many things that are gonna keep getting in the way of me moving forward."

He narrowed his eyes, giving me a confused look. "Just say what it is you want to say, Addison" I could see he was growing irritated, but doing everything he could to hold it back. "Because from the sounds of it, you've already made up your mind."

"I really care about you Dean..."

"You don't look like you do "he snapped

 i touched his arm"of course i do and I just think that in order for me to give this relationship between us a fair shot, I need to let go of my past fully." I didn't want this to turn into an argument. "Because until I do, it will always be there lingering between us."

I truly hoped that he would understand, but from the defensive stance he was taking I could see this was going in an entirely different direction. 

"So we hit one snag and you're ready to call it quits?" he asked as he stepped back and ran his hand through his hair roughly. "i said i'm sorry ,i didn't mean anything i said that night "

"I know you didn't mean it ,but you had the right in everything you said "i looked into his eyes "i'm not calling it quits ,i need to let go of my past because it will destroy us  "

he stepped closer ,his hand going to my face "I love you"my breath caught "and i don't care abut your past ,we'll work things out "

I stepped back not able to meet his eyes ,i needed to do this ,i know i needed to let go of Chris in order to love Dean back ,he deserves that much 

"so you're ending this ?"he asked his voice thick with emotions 

 "I don't want to end things," I said. "I just need a break."

He put his hand over his chest and rubbed ,his brows furrowed "it feels like it Addison ,this the second time i'm confessing my love for you and you just stomped on my heart all over again "

i chocked on a sob ,reaching for him "No Dean ,please i just need a break"

He sneered, an angry, agitated look that honestly made my stomach ache. I could already feel him retreating and I knew it was too late to try and make this any clearer. Dean had already formed his opinions.

"A break is just a polite way to say things are over." He turned toward the door and I instantly reached out for him in attempt to stop him. Only he kept walking, yanking open the door without looking back.