Bleeding hearts

Chapter twenty four

Dean's Pov

I stare at the floor tiles of the waiting room, counting them again for the hundredth time as if doing so would hold back the turmoil inside me. 

Despair roamed my body, it roamed the room, expelled on the breath of worriers like me and those doing their best to bite down on the pain that brought them here.and i can't get the image of her jerking in my arms out of my head. I can still hear her shallow breathes as she stared at me unseeing, as her skin grew pale and her body grew limp in my arms.

It's been two hours,  I was near dying. 

The clacking of the keys coming from the receptionist and the constant boring commercials from the TV was driving me insane. I wanted to know what was going on with my girlfriend right then, not ten minutes, two hours or forty years later; I wanted to know before my brain shut down and my hands did something to that keyboard my mind will regret later.

A doctor walks out of those sliding doors and i'm on my feet in seconds "how's she?"i don't even recognize my voice as i say those words, it's full of desperation and anguish 

"Are you her family?"He asked calmly as though i wasn't seconds away from losing my mind

Logan puts a hand on my arm stopping me from punching the doctor's face "we're her friends, her family don't live here,but they're on their way"

The doctor shakes his head"i can't share anything until her family is here"

Is he for fucking real?

"please"Em steps toward him, her eyes red from crying"we brought her here, we're the ones  who found her, please just tell us that she's okay"

The doctor sighed "We barely managed to save her"

I suck in a breath, Em sways and Logan catches her in his arms 

"we had to do stomach pumping to mechanically remove unabsorbed drugs from the stomach.  it wasn't just the pills, even though she took a lot. But she mixed it with alcohol" he shook his head"a deathly combination, she was lucky you found her in time, just five minutes late and she would've been dead"

I lift my hand to my chest and rub the spot where i'm feeling like someone stabbed me with a knife and is turning the blade in circles.

"We gave her some antidotes, she seems to be okay and breathing right now but we'll monitor her in case she gets organ failure"he gives us a sympathetic look "anything is possible at this stage, she still hasn't fully recovered, but she's breathing and that's good"

"Can..."i clear my throat and try again" can we see her ?"

He nods "she's still under the drugs and still hasn't woken up but you cans see her"

Em sniffs sweeping at her tears and thanks the doctor who nods before walking away then she turns her hard stare my way 

"It's all your fault" she spits 

I stagger back like she hit me 

"Em" Logan catches her arm but she shakes him away and advances my way

"How can you be so cruel? how can you do this to her? she almost killed herself, is that what you wanted? is that it Dean?!" she screams the last part hitting my chest over and over again, and i let her, because it's the absolute truth.

Addison needed help and i turned my back on her, i was a selfish bastard, always thinking about what i wanted and never listening to what she needed.

I should be in that hospital bed and not her.

I should be under the ground and not her boyfriend, i will give my life for his in a heartbeat if it will make her happy. 

"It wasn't Dean's fault, Addison is broken" i heard Logan say to Em as he dragged her away.

 My knees give up on me and i fall to the floor, my back hitting the wall.

I had an accident once in high school, and my leg was pretty damaged, when the doctors told me there was a high possibility i won't be able to play hockey or any other sport again. I was devastated, thinking this is the worst day of my life. But i was damn wrong, this is the worst day of my life.

Holding your love in your arms while they're dying is the worst feeling, feeling the life seeping out of them while you watched helplessly is the worst fucking feeling, and i wouldn't wish that for my worst enemy.

My fucking mind can't keep thinking that she was better before i barged into her life, she kept pushing me away to protect herself and i wish i listened, i wish i Goddamn listened to her. I was a selfish fucking bastard running after what i wanted until i ruined it, i ruined her.

So maybe she's better off without me.

________________________________________________________________________________

Addison's Pov 

My eyes open. I'm blind again, i'm blinking and breathing and i'm moving my head and trying to see but it's still so blurry, still unclear but it's getting easier. I can feel my fingers and my toes and the life in my limbs and i can actually hear my heart beating again.

Dean is sleeping. 

I know this because he's sleeping right next to my bed, his body on the chair while his head is on the bed next to my arm. It's dark enough that it takes me several tries to blink my eyes open and understand that i'm not blind, i catch a glimpse out the window and find the moon filled to the brim, pouring light into this little room. a hospital room.

I'm still here, i'm still alive and Dean is right next to me. 

His features are so soft, so ethereal in the moonlight. His face calm as he sleeps, so unassuming and innocent. And i think of how ungrateful i was, how God did take something good from me but gave me something even better in return, and how i wasn't thankful for it, how i threw it all away. But i'm still here and he's right here next to me and i've never been so happy as i am right now.

I shift hardly at all and Dean reacts immediately, sitting straight up, chest heaving, eyes blinking. He looks at me, sees that i'm awake, that my eyes are open, and he freezes in place.

There are so many things i want to say to him, starting with how much i love him.

But he's still looking at me. Looking and looking and looking at me like he wants to touch me but he's afraid to get too close. Finally he whispers "Are you okay, baby? how do you feel?"

And suddenly, i'm so ashamed i could bury my head in the ground and never look up again.

"I'm sorry"i whisper but  find that my voice is too thick 

Dean grabs a glass of water and brings to my mouth helping me drink it.

I try and find my voice again"Dean, i'm sorry about what i did...I"

He shakes his head"don't, just don't please"he grips my hand but it's not enough, i want to be in his arms, feel his warmth again because i missed it so much 

"Nothing was your fault, don't ever apologize "

"Addison?" 

Dean let goes of my hand and steps back.

I turn to my right to see someone getting up of the bed next to mine, Mom's face comes into focus.

I blink back tears"Mom?"

She rushes toward me and pulls me into her arms" baby girl" she cries over and over again kissing the top of my head.

Mom keeps me in her arms for over half an hour, holding me, afraid i'll disappear if she let goes. Then after she calms down she calls everyone to tell them that i'm awake, i've been asleep for two days, she tells me how everyone kept coming and checking on me, not leaving me alone for one second. She tells me how they've all been worried sick and i feel ashamed all over again, ashamed that i've put them through this. Mom shuts me every time i try to apologize, she blames herself, how she couldn't help me or see how really broken i was.

It's not her fault, it's nobody's fault but mine, my own selfishness did this.