Change of Heart (A Faith-Based Gay Romance)

Chapter 11: "Love One Another"

It took Dean another ten minutes to round up his courage to leave the café and drive to Nicholas' home. On his way out, as he went to the counter and paid for his coffee, the waitress offered him a warm smile that implied she had overheard his conversation with Amanda Chambers. Her words confirmed it. "Good luck, Pastor Mitchell."

Dean exhaled slowly. "Thank you. I may need it." He left her a five-dollar tip and walked outside. His legs were shaking and the sensation was beginning to take over his body, causing his heart to beat in a choppy rhythm that made it hard to breathe.

Please, Lord, don't let me mess this up.

It took only minutes to reach Nicholas' street. Dean's car sat idling at the stop sign down the block, his hands squeezing the steering wheel; what was he waiting for? This is what he'd wanted—a chance to speak to Nicholas openly and honestly about his feelings, about the past, about...the future. Now that the door was open, he was scared to death to walk through.

Do you really think the Lord is going to bring you this far, let you get this close...just to rip it all away from you? Don't you think that this, as well as the other, was his purpose for bringing you home?

Dean did, now. For the last two years, Nicholas had been in his own quiet torment, trying so hard to be what he thought Dean wanted him to be.

Everything he did, every accomplishment, everything...was for you. To make you proud of him.

Dean closed eyes as they began to sting. His heart hurt for the young man. If he only knew the truth.

So, get it in gear and go tell him the truth.

Clearing his throat, Dean opened his eyes and blinked to focus. The intersection remained deserted and he rolled through the stop sign and turned onto Nicholas' street. He had the house number memorized and when he found the place, he parked at the curb out front. A tan four-door economy car sat in the driveway; exactly the kind of car he'd imagined Nicholas would own. Most twenty-year-old men might go for a sportier type ride, but Nicholas had always been a practical young man.

Dean hadn't gone through the "sports car" stage, either. And now, at twenty-six, he was firmly entrenched in being comfortable as opposed to looking cool. He smiled; he doubted he could've ever passed for a member of the "cool" crowd, even in his teen years.

Your "kids" thought you were pretty cool. They still do.

That was enough for Dean. He would take "cool preacher" over "cool stud" any day of the week.

"Cool stud," Dean shook his head and opened the driver door. "As if."

He stood outside the car and stared at the house. Curtains were drawn over the windows and Dean felt the pain inside the house wafting out in waves. His heart broke a little more as Amanda's words replayed through his head.

Lord, please help me take away the hurt.

His shoes felt laden with lead as he ventured up the concrete walk to the front door. His heart lodged in the base of his throat and beat furiously. Dean flexed his hand a few times before summoning the courage to press the doorbell. The musical chime echoed through the house but there were no immediate footsteps approaching the door.

Dean waited.

Silence from within.

He rang again. Waited.

Nothing.

Out of nowhere, Dean's thoughts were bombarded by Timothy's confession of his planned suicide...the waitress' account of her brother's successful suicide. Too much pain to bear...too much guilt and shame...