Change of Heart (A Faith-Based Gay Romance)

Chapter 2: "Edge of Goodbye"

The normal hum of conversation quieted when Dean entered the church, then rose as smiles spread across the faces present. Timothy pressed close to Dean's side and Dean felt the tremors running through him; the boy was terrified—of God and his people.

This isn't right, Dean thought as the spirit within grieved for Timothy. This is your house, Lord, a place for all. How could they do this to a frightened, confused boy? Had he been any better—really? Dean had left before Timothy's hardest battles began, but what would he have said to him had he been here? In his own words, his own way, would he, too, have blamed Timothy for his inability to overcome his sin?

Who are you to judge these people? You are guilty of the same sins.

Dean curled his arm around Timothy's shoulders as folks began to approach to welcome him home. "Go on up to the front and find a seat," he told Timothy.

"The...the front?"

"I want you up there near me when I speak," Dean said. "I want to make sure you hear everything I have to say."

The boy looked at him with anxious eyes.

"It's okay," he murmured. "No matter how it feels to you right now, you are welcome in God's house."

Timothy didn't look convinced, but nodded and reluctantly moved away from Dean and walked to the front of the church, avoiding the other folk as much as possible.

"Such a sad case."

Dean turned toward the voice. Pastor George Bryant stood beside him, eyes on Timothy. "Sad?"

Bryant sighed. "We tried to help him, Dean. The youth leader who took your place, the others in the program, myself...we did everything we could to get through to him, but rather than drawing closer to God, he pulled away, and eventually left altogether." He shook his head sadly. "His poor parents were distraught with worry. They still are. But try as they might, they can't get him to come back to the program, or even to church. Frankly, I'm shocked to see him here today." He looked at Dean and smiled. "Must be your magic touch. I know he really looked up to you. He must've come back to see you. Whatever the reason, I praise God that he's back in church, if only for this one service. God doesn't need a wide-open door to work his wonders, just a crack. If Timothy is here, then some part of him knows this is where he belongs, what he needs to get better."

Sadness filled Dean's heart—for Pastor Bryant. George was a good man, as were most of the folk here. Dean loved them dearly and would always consider them his brothers and sisters in Christ...regardless how they felt about him when this was all over.

"I told you." Nicholas approached with a bright smile that captured Dean's attention. "They love you. No reason to be nervous."

"Yeah." Dean offered a tentative smile in return. "You told me."

Nicholas gazed at him, his eyes glowing. "I'm really glad you're back," he said quietly, "if only for a short while. There's so much I want to tell you about my life. Do you think you'll be here long enough for us to have coffee, or lunch? I just really want you to know and understand what a difference you made in my life."

Dean couldn't look in his eyes for too long, for fear the young man would see the truth. But to some degree, he was about to hear it. "God would have taken care of you, with or without me," Dean assured softly. "You were strong willed. You knew what you wanted and refused to give up. That was all you."

"The way I see it, pastor," Nicholas smiled. "God took care of me through you. We made a good team; you, me, and God. Don't stand there and act like you don't deserve some mighty praise." Nicholas chuckled lightly then grabbed him and hugged him hard. "You're the best," he whispered.

God...help me. Dean wrapped his arms around Nicholas and held him tight, closed his eyes and pressed his face to his shoulder. Please...When he opened his eyes a moment later, he was captured in the stare of Amanda Chambers. A veiled troubled look simmered in her eyes. Dean released Nicholas and stepped away. "I...I better get ready."

"You'll do excellent," Nicholas assured and squeezed his arm. "Promise me—we'll get together and catch up before you leave?"

Dean nodded. "Yeah. Of course."

"Tomorrow morning at the Corner Café? Ten-ish?"

"Uh, yeah," Dean smiled. "Sounds good." Dean would be there, but had his doubts that Nicholas would show...not after today.

"All right, Pastor Mitchell." He winked. "We have us a date." He laughed lightly and patted Dean's arm then returned to his fiancée. The young woman smiled at Nicholas when he approached, yet the troubled look remained as she cast one last glance at Dean before the two of them moved forward and took their seats.

Dean stared at the back of Nicholas' head...his soft, brown hair just long enough to creep over the collar of his shirt. We have us a date. A quiet ache began deep in the center of his heart as he watched Nicholas slide his arm across the back of the pew and around Amanda's shoulders, drawing her closer. He's really in love with her. Somehow, Nicholas had succeeded where so many others had failed. Many within the group had claimed their healing and began living a "hetero" existence, and Dean had encouraged them. But behind their eyes, he had seen the truth; it was all a façade. They were fooling themselves. So desperate to be right with God, they embraced the lie and told themselves it was the truth.

But Nicholas wasn't faking. He wasn't fooling himself. He was the real deal. Somehow...he had made the transition, and he was happy.

The million-dollar question remains—are you happy for him?

Dean wanted to say yes. He truly did. And maybe he sincerely was. It's yourself you're not happy for. You came back for him, admit it. You thought when you stood up there and spoke...he would stop trying to be "straight" and come running right back to you and throw himself into your arms.

Shame drained through Dean. Maybe, in part—perhaps large part—he had come back for Nicholas. But now that he was here...his eyes drifted to the front of the church where Timothy sat at the end of the pew, arms wrapped tightly around himself, head down. Now he knew why God had brought him back. Not to fulfil his fantasy of being with the 'boy of his dreams'—but to save lives.

Deep down, he had hoped he could have both. But even if he'd been allowed to choose, he would not have abandoned Timothy or the others like him who were hiding in plain sight, right in the midst of this congregation. He looked once more at Nicholas as Pastor Bryant touched his arm and nodded toward the podium up front.

Goodbye, Nicholas. You will always be my sweetest dream.