Change of Heart (A Faith-Based Gay Romance)

Chapter 4: "Seasons of Change"

"Are you okay, Pastor Mitchell?"

Dean was sitting across from the boy, staring blankly out the diner window. He had been like that since they had sat down in the booth seat. Dean had barely focused long enough to order Timothy a chocolate shake and a cup of coffee for himself, which was cooling on the table untouched. Dean blinked and looked at the boy. "Yeah."

"You don't look okay." Concern pinched Timothy's face as he slowly sipped his shake.

Sighing, Dean nodded. "You're right. I'm not okay. I think I made a mistake."

Timothy went still, fear creeping into his eyes.

Dean smiled. "Not about the things I said today. I stand behind that truth one hundred percent." He reached over and squeezed the boy's wrist. "Don't worry."

"Then what mistake did you make?"

Sliding his coffee closer, Dean twisted the cup on the table. "How old are you, Timothy?" he asked, rather than answer the boy's question.

"Almost sixteen."

Dean picked up his coffee and sipped the lukewarm contents. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Your teen years should have been a time of freedom for you," Dean said. "Free to be who you are, and experience...your first love, dating, school dances...all the things the straight kids take for granted without even realizing how lucky they are." He stared into his cup. "I'm sorry I helped take that away from you by telling you there was something wrong with you."

Timothy licked a droplet of chocolate shake from his lips. "You never said that to me," he murmured. "It wasn't you who made me feel bad because I couldn't change. It was the others, after you left. When you were there, it felt like we were fighting it together. I didn't feel like I was trying to do everything all by myself. But after you were gone, I felt...alone. Everyone kept telling me I had to try harder but it didn't feel like anyone was helping me."

Dean's heart went out the boy. He remembered how hard it was for Timothy even while Dean was there. "I'm sure they didn't mean to make you feel like you were alone," Dean said gently. "They believe that it's wrong to be gay, and are confident that if a person prays sincerely and faithfully, that God will deliver them from their homosexuality." He sighed. "And when it doesn't happen, they aren't equipped to consider that maybe God didn't deliver the person because he's okay with their sexuality...so they have to find some other reason why it didn't happen. Sadly, too often, the gay person is blamed for not being faithful enough, not trusting God, not trying hard enough...or just simply not wanting to be healed. That's a hard burden to bear. A burden no one should have to bear. But try to understand, they weren't deliberately trying to hurt you. Their hearts were in the right place, but sadly a lot of damage has been done in the name of good intentions. And in the name of God."

"I know," Timothy whispered. "I'm not mad at them."

"That's good," Dean said. "They're good people. They're still growing spiritually. We all are. God will bring them around, I believe, when the time is right."

Timothy nodded and began to sip his shake again. Dean drank his coffee, though it was turning bitter as it cooled. He stared out the window as his thoughts returned to Nicholas. The hurt and betrayal in his eyes cut deep into Dean's heart.

"Are you thinking about Nicholas?" Timothy asked quietly.

"What?" Dean looked at him.

"I saw him leave. I think he was crying."

His throat knotting, Dean nodded. "Yeah," he whispered. "He was."

"He really missed you when you left," Timothy murmured. "He cried a lot. I mean, I think the others thought it was just part of the struggle he was going through to...get better. But it wasn't."

Dean swallowed, his eyes stinging. "How do you know?"

"One time when I was upset because you were gone, he sat with me and we talked. I told him how much I missed you, and he said he missed you, too. Then he started crying. Like, really crying." Timothy blinked as his eyes misted. "Pastor Mitchell," he said quietly, thickly. "I think...I think he was...in love with you."

Don't tell me that. Please. Dean lowered his head and covered his eyes as his heart came apart. You left him behind...just ran away. You knew he was in love with you, too, and you abandoned him. Tears dampened his palm.

"Were you..." Timothy hesitated. "...in love with him, too?"

Dean cleared his throat and raised his head. The boy's face swam before him. "Yeah, Tim...I was." He turned his eyes to the window again, his throat working as more tears formed.

"Are you still?" Timothy whispered.

Dean looked away from the window and met the boy's gaze. He nodded slowly. "I am."

Timothy stared at him with sympathy. "Did you come back for him?"

"I guess I did," he whispered.

"Pastor Mitchell..." Timothy asked softly. "Do you think he's really...changed? You don't believe people can change from gay to straight, right?"

Rubbing his eyes, Dean sighed. "It isn't my place to say if he's changed or not, Timothy. I don't know. It isn't that I don't believe God can't change someone—he raised Lazarus from the dead, raised himself from the dead—so I'm pretty sure he can do whatever he wants. The message that I tried to deliver today wasn't about whether or not a person could change, but that they shouldn't feel like they have to change in order to be accepted by God and have a relationship with him. Only Nicholas and God know the truth of whether he's made that transition. He's happy." Dean looked down and twisted his cup. "And when you love someone for real, their happiness is more important than your own. I wish him and Amanda all the best of life, love, and happiness."

Timothy was quiet a moment, then whispered, "I wish he was still gay...and was with you."

The coffee cup blurred and a tear dripped into the cold black contents. So do I, Timothy. So do I.