Today of all days was a bad one for me. I was literally drained from life because the morning sickness had decided to hit me.
The horrible part about it was that it wasn't just in the morning but all day long. I was not about this life.
"Mommy are you okay?" Juju lifted the covers from over my head.
"Yes. Mommy's a little sick." I sat up.
"You want me to help you feel better?"
I nodded and all she did was pet my head as if I were a dog and then kissed my forehead. "There you go."
I let a little laugh out. "Thanks baby."
"So, can you take me to the park?"
"Mommy isn't feeling well so maybe Quan can take you."
"I just made you feel better." She gave me the are you kidding me look.
"Just a little bit but not one hundred percent."
"Well how come when I'm sick and you give me kisses, I feel better?"
I wanted to tell her that it was all in her head but I couldn't do that to her. "I'm not sure. Can you ask Quan to bring me some crackers and tea?"
"Okay. I'll be right back." She hopped down off the bed and ran out of the room.
I snuggled back under the covers until Quan came in with my request sitting it on the table beside my bed. My mouth began watering, letting me know that I was about to vomit. He took notice and grabbed the small trashcan while holding my hair back.
After collecting myself I went and brushed my teeth.
"When's your next appointment?"
"Next Tuesday. I scheduled it so that you could make it after work."
I was supposed to be there last week but Doctor Benjamin had an emergency so I had to reschedule.
"Time?"
"Five."
"Okay." He grabbed my hand and laced his fingers with mine. "Where are we celebrating Thanksgiving at? We have a week to decide."
"Separately." I told him.
"What, why?"
"Because I don't think your family likes me. I know your mom and sister do but everyone else, I feel awkward around."
He gave me the same look that Juju had given me earlier. "And?"
"And I'll go to my family and you go to yours."
"I don't want to spend any holiday without you and Juju so we can do both."
"I'll think about it."
"Fair enough."
"What do you want to eat because I'm going home soon."
I shook my head. "I'm kind of wanting a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich. And can you please stay over?"
"Um, I guess I can do that."
"Yes. I'm tired so wake me up when you finish it and make sure Juju eats."
"Okay babe."
"And tell her I'm sorry I didn't spend time with her today. I'll sit down with her tomorrow and talk to her about the baby."
"We."
"Right." I mumbled as I drifted off to sleep.
--
"You scared?" Jamar looked at me from the driver's seat of the car.
"Yeah." I nodded with no hesitation.
He chuckled lowly. "I didn't train you on all of this for you to be scared. This nigga wasn't scared when he killed your brother."
"Well I'm sorry that I'm not a killer Jamar. You do this for a living, not me!" I leaned back in the passenger seat.
I was a nervous wreck. Here I was ready to do something that could possibly cost me the rest of my life. But if it would rid me of knowing that my brother Gianni's killer was still walking around then I wouldn't even care.
"Aye, you better chill with all that fuckin' yelling." He grabbed my face in his hand turning it so I was facing him. He kissed my lips softly.
"I'm so scared babe." I mumbled against his lips. "What if- what if this doesn't go as planned?"
"I get it Mop. I got you though baby, I wouldn't let anything happen to you and if you get caught then I'll take the time for you."
"You'd do that for me?"
"Of course. You have a whole life ahead of you, getting ready for college and shit. But me? I don't have anything going but the life my dad created for me. If you want, I'll handle it for you."
"I want to do it myself." I told him.
He handed me the Smith & Wesson. I took it and eyed the gun in my hands.
"Can't we just torture him a bit and leave him in the warehouse until he dies? Like cut his fingers off or some shit?" My nerves were getting the best of me again.
"You'd rather do that? I don't think you can handle that because you're already losing your shit over a small ass gun." Jamar told me.
"Whatever." I sucked my teeth. "Let's just get this over and done with."
"Let's go."
We opened the doors and headed to the entrance of the warehouse where I would do what I had to do. It was either now or never and I was choosing now.
I sat on the floor of the shower with my knees to my chest, allowing the water to run over my body. I was still donned in the all black clothing and leather boots.
I cried and cried while I watched my tears and small specks of blood flow down the drain.
"I'm sorry to break your moment but you have to come up out of them clothes so I can dispose them." Jamar came in the bathroom.
I didn't respond and he just stepped in, stood me up and undressed me. He took everything with him- even my undergarments.
I sank back down to the floor. I couldn't believe that I had done what I did. I hopped up and got to the toilet just in time to release my insides.
"Siani!!" Quan yelled making me snap out of the dream I was in.
"Yes?" I jumped up.
"What's wrong with you? Are you okay baby, you're shaking and sweating."
I didn't say anything for a moment. "Quan, I have some things to tell you but you have to promise that you won't judge me."
"Okay." He said slowly.
"And you won't leave me again either." I looked down as he wiped my face with a cool washcloth.
He lifted my head so that we were looking into each other eyes. "You're lowkey scaring me so just let me know what's going on. I'm not going anywhere."
"Quan it's a long story and I hope you're ready."
I wanted to cry because I knew that after he heard about my mental illnesses that he might stay but once he found out that I had a body on my hands he was probably going to be done with me.
Nobody in their right mind wanted to be a murderer.
